Ask Remus
by Distant Lands
Summary: Send your own letters to Remus through reviews or PMs! He'd love to answer them! Expect Sirius to add his own commentary once in a while, or most of the time.
1. Chapter 1

Send your own letters to Remus through reviews or PMs! He'd love to answer them! Expect Sirius to add his own commentary once in a while (or most of the time).

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, J.K. Rowling does. I do, however, love taking her characters and forcing them to do my bidding.

Key:  
><em>Remus<em>  
><strong>Sirius<strong>  
>Letters<p>

...

Dear Remus,  
>Will you marry me?<br>Love,  
>Hufflepuff Cutie ;)<p>

_ Hufflepuff Cutie,_  
><em>As much as I appreciate your... admiration for me, I must say that, no, I will not marry you. My sincere apologies.<em>  
><em> Sincerely,<em>  
><em>Remus<em>  
><strong>P.S. He is a Marauder; doomed to be single forever! Mwahaha! -Sirius<strong>

…

Dear Remus,  
>Do you think Dumbledore is gay? I think he's gay. Is he gay? ...Gay<br>GoldenSnitch

** GoldenSnitch,**  
><strong>Are you hoping he's gay?<strong>  
><em>Ugh, Sirius. To answer your question, GoldenSnitch, I don't know if he's gay or not. So what if he is? Gays are people, too.<em>  
><strong>They might be some of the nicest people you ever meet. <strong>  
><em>Sirius is right.<em>  
><em> Sincerely,<em>  
><em>Remus<em>

…

Dear Remus,  
>I think I'm in love. The problem is, the guy I love is the biggest git I've ever had the pleasure of meeting. It also seems that he has no idea how to fix his hair. Plus, I dislike one of his friends to the extreme. However, I couldn't help but fall in love with him.<br>Please help,  
>Red-Hair-Wonder<p>

_ Red-Hair-Wonder,_  
><em>If you think you're in love with him, you could always try asking him to go with you to Hogsmeade. If you're too shy to do so, then you could always try becoming friends with him first, and then proceed to becoming a couple.<em>  
><strong>Or you could just ask him for a snog in an empty classroom!<strong>  
><em>Ignore Sirius' advice.<em>  
><em>As for the fact that you can't stand his friend, maybe you could get his friend together with someone else, heshe might leave you two alone._  
><em> Sincerely,<em>  
><em>Remus<em>

…

Dear Remus,  
>James Potter should stay at least five meters away from Lily Evans at all times. She clearly loves Severus Snape, so Potter should sod off.<br>Half-Blood Prince

_ Dear Half-Blood Prince,_  
><em>Lily does not love Snape. I should know; she and I are prefects, as well as friends. I don't know if she loves James, but-<em>  
><strong>James wants her!<strong>  
><em>We all know that, Sirius. Again, she doesn't love Snape. Sorry if you want her to get together with him.<em>  
><em> Sincerely,<em>  
><em>Remus<em>

…

loopin,  
>stup spying on me!111 and masticating!11 U DONT EVN KNO WHO MCR R!11 CUM SERIOUS! WTF WHY ARE YOU HANGING OUT WIF LOOPIN?1 FOOOOOOOK U!1111<br>enOBY

_ Dear enOBY,_  
><em>I never spied on you. In fact, I can't even recall your name. As for the "masticating", the definition of the word masticating is, basically, chewing. If I can't chew my food, how can I continue to live? <em>  
><strong>I think she meant "masturbating". You know, wanking.<strong>  
><em>I know what that means, Sirius; but that isn't what she wrote. <em>  
><em>Secondly, I do know who My Chemical Romance are. They are an American muggle band.<em>  
><em>Third, please spell correctly. You're horrible spelling of the word "come" has Sirius in a fit of laughter right now.<em>  
><strong>HAHAHA! "Cum"! Hee... Okay, now that I've calmed down, I have to tell you; who the bloody hell are you? I won't have sex with a girl I don't know. Just because I have the dirtiest mind out of all my friends doesn't mean I'm a man-whore, you know.<strong>  
><em>We got that, Sirius. Besides, she wasn't even asking you to have sex with her. She misspelled a sodding word, for Merlin's sake.<em>  
><strong>She <strong>**was**** meaning for me to have sex with her.**  
><em>Whatever you say.<em>  
><strong>And my name is spelled S-I-R-I-U-S. Like the star. <strong>  
><strong>The reason I hang out with Remus is because he's my friend. Unlike you!<strong>  
><em><span>Thank you<span>__, Sirius._  
><strong>Oh, and the part about forking me; why would you ask me to shag, but then want to stab me with a piece of silverwear?<strong>  
><em>I don't think that's what she meant.<em>  
><em>To sum all that up, I have not been spying on you, and please use proper spelling and grammar.<em>  
><em> Sincerely,<em>  
><em>Remus<em>

…

Points to you if you can spot/spotted the Hetalia micro-reference in here! Here's a hint: It has to do with Prussia. That's all.


	2. Chapter 2

Dear Remus,  
>Do you love pasta? Do love pizza? What is your favorite kind of pasta?<br>Ciao,  
>Italy<p>

_ Dear Italy,_  
><em>I do enjoy a good pasta dish every now and then, but I don't <em>_love__ it._  
><strong>I love pizza, since it's such a muggle food, and it pisses my parents off! My favorite kind is the meat lovers!<strong>  
><em>Good to know how much you hate your parents. However, you don't need to announce it to the whole world.<em>  
><em>My favorite kind of pasta is spaghetti.<em>  
><em>Sincerely,<em>  
><em>Remus <em>

…

Dear Remus,  
>Who do you like?<br>Bloop

_ Dear Bloop,_  
><em>I like many people. Most people at Hogwarts are kind enough to have earned my respect and I generally enjoy their company. Everyone except the Slytherins, that is.<em>  
><strong>He's deeply in love with our friend, Peter Pettigrew.<strong>  
><em>What the hell? I am not. Even if I was in love with someone, it would not be Peter or a Slytherin.<em>  
><strong>Who are you in love with then?<strong>  
><em>I love- that is confidential.<em>  
><strong>Even to your best mate?<strong>  
><em>Especially to my best mate. Oh, and Bloop, why do you want to know? <em>  
><strong>And what kind of a name is Bloop?<strong>  
><em>I'm sorry, but I am not obligated to spill any of my life's details to you or anyone else. <em>  
><em>Sincerely,<em>  
><em>Remus<em>

…

Dear Remus,  
>I believe there is a werewolf in our school. Do you think there's one?<br>Aspiring DADA Teacher

_ Dear Aspiring DADA Teacher,_  
><em>I- I have no clue what you are talking about.<em>  
><strong>What he means is, why would Dumbledore allow a werewolf in the school? I mean, the old man may be a bit off his rocker, but he's not that crazy! <strong>  
><em><span>Thank you<span>__, Sirius. That made me feel __so__ much better._  
><strong>Your welcome, Moonykins!<strong>  
><em>Please note my major sarcasm.<em>  
><em>Anyway, I do not believe that there is a werewolf at Hogwarts. Even if there was, has heshe caused any harm yet? The answer would be, no._  
><em>Sincerely, <em>  
><em>Remus<em>

Please send in letters to Remus so that my sister doesn't have to give me any! She gave me the Italy one, by the way.


	3. Chapter 3

Dear Remus,  
>I know this guy...and I reeeeeally like him. He says he likes me too...but then he told me that just yesterday, he lost his virginity to a "friend" of his...I'm starting to think he's a git. What should I do?<br>Truly yours,  
>books-and-music-and-music-and-books<p>

_Dear books-and-music-and-music-and-books,_  
><em>I understand how it must feel to like someone who lost their virginity to another person. Funny enough, I'm in the same boat.<em>  
><strong>You just gave me a hint as to who you fancy! Ha! I fooled the great Remus Lupin!<strong>  
><em>Shut up, Sirius.<em>  
><em>If you are really in love with this bloke, then you should love him no matter what; virgin or not. True love is unconditional. However, this may be a warning sign that he could possibly cheat on you in the future. You should date him for a while and see what happens from then on out. Just remember, don't do anything you'll regret.<em>  
><strong>Like shagging! <strong>  
><em>I was trying to be tactful, Sirius.<em>  
><strong>You know, he could always be lying about the virginity thing. Peter tried that once, so he'd seem cool.<strong>  
><em>Why do I not remember that?<em>  
><em>Anyway, good luck!<em>  
><em>Sincerely,<em>  
><em>Remus<em>

…

Dear Remus (and Sirius can answer this too),  
>Are you gay? Or at least bi? Because I think you and Sirius (Remus for Sirius) are cute together. I know a "few" others that are with me on this. Go on the muggle website and look up RemusSirius slash if you don't believe me. Read some.  
>~that one person<p>

_Dear thatoneperson,_  
><em>What makes you think I'm gay? Or bisexual?<em>  
><strong>Thank you for saying I'm cute! Though I prefer the word "sexy".<strong>  
><em>They meant that you and I look "cute" together.<em>  
><em>We're going to go on that muggle site now. We'll be right back...<em>  
><span>-15 minutes later-<span>  
><strong>HOLY MOTHER OF MERLIN!<strong>  
><em>Calm down, Sirius.<em>  
><strong>I had no idea you had dreams like that about me!<strong>  
><em>I don't necessarily, Padfoot. It something some girl wrote.<em>  
><strong>I doubt that.<strong>  
><em>Hooray for you...<em>  
><em>We read this story called "<em>_Of Mornings and Dirty Socks__" by someone who goes by the name of XGlamorousxGlueX. It was... interesting, to say the least._  
><strong>Oh, and you were asking if I was gay or bi. What makes you say that? Hm?<strong>  
><em>Sincerely,<em>  
><em>Remus <em>**and Sirius!**

…

Dear Remus,  
>Do you ever get annoyed with Sirius or James? And do you think Lily will ever like James? What is your the funniest thing that has ever gone wrong with a prank the Marauders have pulled?<br>Sincerely,  
>IceBlueCrystal<p>

_Dear IceBlueCrystal,_  
><em>Are you bloody kidding me? Sirius annoys me all the time. This is suppose to be my question and answer column, but he always has to butt in and act like an arse.<em>  
><strong>Why are you thinking about my arse?<strong>  
><em>Ugh. See what I mean? Padfoot's always making suggestive comments, throwing my books across the room, bugging Peter while the poor bloke is trying to do his homework-<em>  
><strong>I think they get it, Moons.<strong>  
><em>As for James, the thing that annoys me most about him is that he's always whinging-<em>  
><strong>Bitching.<strong>  
><em>As I was saying, whinging, about Lily. Whether it's how "perfect her hair flows in the wind" to "she rejected me again! I'm never gonna be happy!", it's always something.<em>  
><strong>The funniest prank we ever pulled was when we transfigured all of the Slytherins' oatmeal into maggots. Snivellus was actually stupid enough to take a bite!<strong>  
><em>She asked what the funniest thing that had ever gone wrong when we were pranking was, Pads.<em>  
><em>I think the funniest thing was when Sirius and James tried to turn Snape into a lizard, but it backfired, and hit Peter. Snape was so pissed that he turned Padfoot and Prongs into ponies! Worst of all, they looked like those muggle "My Little Pony" things.<em>  
><strong>That was not funny, Moony! We were stuck like that for hours!<strong>  
><em>Twenty-three, to be exact.<em>  
><em>Sincerely, <em>  
><em>Remus<em>

…

Dear Remus,  
>Is Draco really that hot? Because there is NO WAY a SLYTHERIN can be that hot.<br>Sincerely,  
>FatallyUnique<p>

**Dear FatallyUnique,**  
><strong>I don't know who the bloody hell Draco is, but ALL SLYTHERINS ARE SLIMY GITS! This must be heard throughout the world!<strong>  
><em>Who is Draco? Is he a first year? I might've not yet met him, as I'm in the fifth year.<em>  
><em>Sincerely,<em>  
><em>Remus<em>

…

Dear Remus,  
>I love cows. Do you like cows?<br>Sincerely,  
>Cows-Are-Better-Then-Werewolves<p>

_Dear Cows-Are-Better-Then-Werewolves,_  
><em>First of all, "then" should be "than". As it is a comparison rather than a time line.<em>  
><strong>Don't bother them with all that shite, Moony! You and your grammar freakishness.<strong>  
><em>Second, I do appreciate cows. They give us milk, which takes part in making chocolate; my favorite treat. <em>  
><em>Sincerely, <em>  
><em>Remus<em>

…

Dear Remus ,  
>My boyfriend moved to Durmstrang I miss him loads.<br>What can I do to make this LDR work?  
>-Unicorns Unite<p>

_Dear Unicorns Unite,_  
><em>Write many letters back and forth, and send pictures. That's the best advice I can come up with.<em>  
><strong>If your boyfriend moved to Durmstrang, I'd say dump him. They have waaaaaay to high a tolerance for dark magic there.<strong>  
><em>Obviously there is a reason Sirius doesn't run an advice column.<em>  
><em>Best of luck to you!<em>  
><em>Sincerely,<em>  
><em>Remus<em>

…

Dear Remus,  
>I am confused. I am starting a new school and everyone dresses in the same style or brand! I dress and act completely crazy (hence my username) to most people. I really want to make cool, real friends. Should I start acting like everyone else? You are a werewolf so you should know how to keep up an act. No offense. You are one of my favorite teachers.<br>Sincerely, to lazy to log in

_Dear to lazy to log in,_  
><em>I suggest you be yourself above everything else. I know the feeling of really wanting friends, especially ones like the Marauders. However, if you try to hide who you truly are, they will find out eventually. Who knows if they'd be as awesome as my friends and accept you for who you are.<em>  
><strong>Same as Remus.<strong>  
><em>Who-who say's I'm a werewolf? And a teacher? I may be smart, but I'm not nearly old enough.<em>  
><strong>He's only fifteen, lady!<strong>  
><em>Sirius, be polite!<em>  
><em>Sincerely,<em>  
><em>Remus<em>


	4. Chapter 4

Since I got so many reviews, I decided to give you guys a second chapter today!

…

Dear Remus,  
>My exam results are coming out soon and I'm really scared! Also, do you think you'll ever get married and have kids?<br>Thanks!  
>Mini Luna :D<p>

_Dear Mini Luna, _  
><em>Exam results are always something I get nervous about. I actually have O.W.L.s coming up, I just hope that I have studied hard enough to pass them!<em>  
><strong>Who worries about O.W.L.s?<strong>  
><em>Not you, apparently. Even McGonagall herself said that you and Prongs are "exceptionally bright".<em>  
><em>Would I ever get married and have children? With the certain situation I'm in, having biological kids would be... highly improbable. <em>  
><strong>Why? You sterile?<strong>  
><em>No, you git. <em>  
><em>However, if the person I currently fancy likes me back, we might date a while and see how the whole thing turns out. <em>  
><strong>Who do you fancy? My two-year-old second cousin?<strong>  
><em>I don't have a clue who your cousin is, and I'm not into people younger than me. I fancy someone my own age, thank you.<em>  
><strong>You gave me another hint! Ha!<strong>  
><em>Oh, <em>_goody__._  
><em>Sincerely,<em>  
><em>Remus<em>

…

Dear Remus (and Sirius, I guess),  
>I'm in my fourth year of Hogwarts - Gryffindor- and I've peeved Moldybutt (a.k.a Voldemort) off and now he's out to kill me. Because of this, I'm not allowed to go to Hogsmeade. I really, REALLY want to go to Hogsmeade; in all the other years I couldn't go because my forms weren't signed...What should I do? Should I risk it?<br>And, also, my friends are now ignoring me because of Moldybutt (they think, because they're friends with me, they're going to get killed). Only ONE person talks to me now, while others look at me like I'm dead meat. What should I do?  
>P.S. Love your marauding work - though, you shouldn't be so cruel...<br>L98N

_Dear L98N,_  
><em>You should trust the teachers and not go in Hogsmeade. Adults know more than we do and-<em>  
><strong>Who gives a damn what the teachers say? If you've pissed off old Moldyshorts enough, then you should be able to defend yourself against him. He's just some arse pretending to be powerful anyways. Meet me later and I'll show you how to get into Hogsmeade through several different passageways!<strong>  
><em>Don't snatch my letters! <em>  
><em>Don't listen to Sirius!<em>  
><em>I don't know what to say about your friends. Thankfully, my friends have always stuck by me, no matter what risks there are to hanging around me.<em>  
><strong>I would die for you, Moony.<strong>  
><em>See?<em>  
><em>This obviously goes to show that the single person talking to you now is your true friend. True friends stick with each other to the end.<em>  
><strong>About our maraudering; the only person we truly hate is Dinky-Slimy-Snivellus. He's a slimy git and deserves it. <strong>  
><em>James and Sirius have a logic all their own.<em>  
><em>Sincerely,<em>  
><em>Remus<em>

…

Dear Remus:  
>Why do the Marauders (Mr. Prongs and Mr. Padfoot in particular) feel the need to gang up on Severus Snape? Of course, personally, I believe that all of this bullying is simply pushing Mr. Snape into the Dark Arts, as known from his last conversation with one Lily Evans. In particular, are the teachers that lax that they allow this to continue? Why don't they keep their mistreatment to simply redecorating the Slytherin common room?<br>Yours,  
>R2-D2106<p>

_Dear R2-D2106,_  
><em>I will let Sirius do the justifying of his actions. <em>  
><strong>There are many reasons why I hate Snivellus. For one, he's a Slytherin. Look at my entire family; you'll see that the only decent ones (besides me) are the ones that got sorted into Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw (as I was the first in Gryffindor). <strong>  
><strong>Another thing is; he's replaced me. Before Hogwarts, I was the one Regulus followed, looked up to, asked for advice from. Now it's that stupid slime ball. He stole my brother; can't you understand that?<strong>  
><em>The reason James first joined in the bullying was simply because Sirius did it. However, in third year, hormones kicked in and he started to fancy one Miss Lily Evans. He thought that Snape and her were in some kind of relationship, so he started to hate Snape for it. <em>  
><em>I do believe, however, that it is more Snape's family situation, rather than Sirius and James, pushing him into the Dark Arts. His mother has barely enough money to take care of herself, let alone a son going to Hogwarts. Besides that, he's in Slytherin. When we were first years, he started hanging out with Lucius Malfoy, who was a fifth year at the time. He's graduated now, of course, but-<em>  
><strong>He's marrying my cousin Narcissa in a couple of months. I have to be related to that prick.<strong>  
><em>No doubt you're excited.<em>  
><em>The teachers do not allow it to go unpunished. All this year, James and Sirius have had a detention almost every other night, and Sirius got kicked off the Quidditch team. Why they aren't expelled? Because half of the time it's Snape that starts it. <em>  
><em>Redecorating the Slytherin common room targets all of the Slytherins. However, most of the time it's usually only Snape they want to get. That's why they don't keep it at that, I'm sure. <em>  
><em>Sincerely,<em>  
><em>Remus<em>

…

Dear Remus,  
>I'm in love with my best friend, but he doesn't seem to notice...what do you think I should do? should I tell him? I'm too scared that it would ruin our friendship but I can't ignore the way I feel anymore... I'm going insane.<br>yours, moon12345

_Dear moon12345,_  
><em>Yes, well... I can... sympathize with you. <em>  
><strong>Why can you sympathize with them, Remy?<strong>  
><em>Don't. Call. Me. Remy.<em>  
><strong>Are you in love with James?<strong>  
><em>No.<em>  
><em>If you really can't ignore your feelings anymore, I suggest you try to casually bring up the subject of dating in a conversation. He might even ask you out.<em>  
><em>Best wishes!<em>  
><em>Sincerely,<em>  
><em>Remus<em>

…

Dear Remus,  
>Do you know where the bloody hell Prongs put the DADA book? He said it was in the Gryffindor room and I can't seem to find it...<br>Oh, and apparently, you have a date?  
>With who?<br>Unless Padfoot was lying...  
>-Feathers<p>

_Dear Feathers,_  
><em>I don't know what the hell Prongs does with any of the school supplies he owns or the books he borrows from the library.<em>  
><strong>I think that may have been the one we charmed to bite Slytherins, and then put it in the Slytherin common room.<strong>  
><em>Great.<em>  
><em>Padfoot was partially lying. There are these twins who have been eyeing me in the library for a while, and Sirius asked one of them out on a date. He told the other one I would go with her; I had absolutely NO SAY in it, whatsoever. Like I said, I fancy someone right now.<em>  
><strong>I just think you need to get out more, Moony!<strong>  
><em>I really don't need your help, Padfoot.<em>  
><em>Sincerely,<em>  
><em>Remus<em>

…

Dear Remus,  
>If I gave you twenty dollars to slap a chipmunk, would you do it?<br>Sincerely,  
>•RaNdOm PeRsOn•<p>

_Dear RaNdOm PeRsOn,_  
><em>Twenty American muggle dollars, huh? You do realize that's only a little over one galleon? Besides, where the bloody hell would I find a chipmunk to slap. Now, I might slap those obnoxious chipmunks that are in those muggle films. Oh Godric, my poor ears.<em>  
><strong>I've never heard of those chipmunks!<strong>  
><em>Of course you haven't; you're a pureblood.<em>  
><strong>Are their voices really that bad? If so, maybe Prongs and I could charm the Slytherins to talk like that for a week!<strong>  
><em>These letters are giving you too many prank ideas.<em>  
><em>Sincerely,<em>  
><em>Remus<em>

…

Dear Remus,  
>Have you seen Bambi's mom lately?<br>Sincerely,  
>Person Who Just Watched AVPS<p>

_Dear Person Who Just Watched AVPS,_  
><em>If by Bambi, do you mean the deer in the muggle animated film? If so, then, no.<em>  
><strong>I have a new nickname for Prongs!<strong>  
><em>Oh, joy.<em>  
><em>Sincerely, <em>  
><em>Remus<em>

…

Dear sirius and Remus,  
>Do you guys have a favorite type of pie? Mine is BANANA CREAM PIE. (lol) no, its actually chocolate pudding filled pie..mmmmmm<br>From,  
>Chocolate covered stalker<p>

**Dear Chocalate covered stalker,**  
><strong>What's with Moony's name being capitalized and mine not? Do you hate me or something?<strong>  
><em>I'm sure it was just a mistake, Sirius.<em>  
><strong>Well I'm sure that there's some kind of conspiracy going on here! Aliens are about to invade, and when they do, the British will be the first to go!<strong>  
><em>Okay...<em>  
><em>My favorite kind is chocolate pudding filled pie, just like yours.<em>  
><strong>I like apple!<strong>  
><em>Did they ask you?<em>  
><strong>In fact, they did!<strong>  
><em>That's it! No more questions for Sirius!<em>  
><em>Sincerely, <em>  
><em>Remus<em>

…

Dear Remus ( and Sirius if he's there),  
>What is the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to Prongs? And what do you think was the funniest thing Lily has ever done to Prongs after he has asked her out? What was the funniest pickup line Sirius has ever recommended he use, and did he actually use it?<br>Sincerely,  
>IceBlueCrystal<br>P.S. I love your advice column though sometimes I wonder why you even let Sirius add his comments.

_Dear IceBlueCrystal,_  
><em>He's bloody well here. <em>  
><strong>And loving it!<strong>  
><em>What are you? McDonald's?<em>  
><strong>Huh?<strong>  
><em>Muggle reference. Nevermind.<em>  
><em>There was that one time Lily used a charm that turned him into a girl for a week. The charm just so happened to make it <em>_that__ week._  
><strong>I remember that! That was bloody hilarious; and a week of hell. Who knew having a female best friend would be so difficult? I mean, the mood swings were ridiculous!<strong>  
><em>We've heard enough, Sirius.<em>  
><strong>The funniest thing happened once when I told him a pick up line. It was "I dunno about pie, but you make my banana cream." He mixed up banana and pie, though, so... well, you can just guess what Lily's reaction was!<strong>  
><em>I remember that. It was the most humorous thing that ever happened between those two. Including him singing, "Your Love is My Drug" by that American muggle singer Kesha to her, after he heard it one the muggle radio at my house.<em>  
><strong>He doesn't let me add my comments! He want's to take this whole bloody thing to be"serious". Of course, I had to Marauder it up a bit and make it "Sirius".<strong>  
><em>That is the worse pun known to mankind. <em>  
><em>Sincerely,<em>  
><em>Remus<em>

…

Dear Remus (and Sirius; he'll answer anyways),  
>I'm back. Mwahahaha. xD Glad to know you "enjoyed" the fanfiction. Try a lemon. Remus, nothing really made me think you guys are gay or bi. I was just wondering and thought you two would look good together. And you're welcome Sirius. You two are both sexy. ;P That better?<br>Actual question time: Do you want to know the future? I know some things that might be of interest to you. And would you two ever date eachother?  
>~That one person<br>P.S. Sirius, Remus is a liar. He has dreams like that about you all the time. xP

**Dear that one person,**  
><strong>What the bloody hell do you mean by "lemon". I've eaten lemons before, and even those weird muggle sweet things called lemon... lemon... damn! I don't remember what they're called.<strong>  
><em>They're called lemon drops. And, Sirius, the lemon she is refering to is, basically, written porn.<em>  
><strong>REALLY? Let's read one!<strong>  
><em>She means between you and I.<em>  
><strong>Oh...<strong>  
><strong>I'm super sexy! I already knew that!<strong>  
><em>Thank you for boosting his ego. It'll be as big as James' soon enough.<em>  
><strong>Remus is sexy, too!<strong>  
><em>W-what? Why do you say that?<em>  
><strong>Because I'm your friend, and I'm just nice like that. <strong>  
><em>Right.<em>  
><strong>Knowing the future would be awesome! That way I wouldn't have make up stuff in Divination. Speaking of which, the crazed professor in there told me to "beware of drapery". What the hell does she mean by that?<strong>  
><em>I don't know. I took Ancient Runes instead, remember?<em>  
><strong>Now on to the next question! <strong>  
><em>Wh-what? D-date Sirius? <em>  
><strong>Look what you've gone and done! Remus is all stuttery now! What's the question anyway?<strong>  
><strong>Date Remus? Um...<strong>  
><em>Er...<em>  
><strong>Next letter!<strong>  
><strong>Sincerely,<strong>  
><strong>Remus<strong> **and Sirius**

…

Dear Remus,  
>Do you like Puns? Because I like them. Puns I mean... I like them very much. They make me giggle. I'm SIRIUS... and I'm not LUPIN! hahahaa... geddit? I am also quite fond of Double entendres... Do you like Double entendres? I heard a great one about wands and potions the other day... I wonder if you've heard it?<br>Love From,  
>imSiriuslyLupin4you<p>

_Dear imSiriuslyLupin4you,_  
><em>Apparently your name is pun. I hate Sirius' puns; Merlin, he's always punning his name.<em>  
><strong>Maybe I do it because I like to.<strong>  
><em>No shite, Sherlock.<em>  
><em>Did you have to mention double entendres? Sirius happens to use those all the bloody time! I have yet to hear the one you've mentioned, though. I doubt I want to hear it.<em>  
><strong>C'mon Moony, you know you want me.<strong>  
><em>As if.<em>  
><strong>You're blushing! <strong>  
><em>I am not!<em>  
><em>Sincerely,<em>  
><em>Remus<em>

…

Dear Remus,  
>Do you like bunnies? They're very furry and small. Almost like cats and dogs, but they're so relaxed and laid back. I also like turtles.<br>Sincerely,  
>Curious Girl<p>

_Dear Curious Girl,_  
><em>Bunnies are okay, for the most part.<em>  
><strong>Except for your "furry little problem". <strong>  
><em>That's not funny.<em>  
><strong>Yes it is.<strong>  
><em>I'm serious, It's not.<em>  
><strong>No, I'm Sirius. You're Remus, remember?<strong>  
><em>Why did that other Sirius Lupin person have to bring up puns?<em>  
><strong>You know you want me to be Sirius Lupin.<strong>  
><em>Shut up.<em>  
><em>I prefer turtles to bunnies, though they can carry dangerous germs, such as salmonella.<em>  
><strong>I should get my mother a turtle for her birthday!<strong>  
><em>You're gonna go to jail for murder, one day.<em>  
><em>Sincerely,<em>  
><em>Remus<em>

…


	5. Chapter 5

Dear Remus,  
>I feel really bad for you, for having to put up with the CERTAIN other person who keeps butting into your letters. Ahem, not mentioning ANY names *cough-Sirius-cough*. Anyway, what do you think would happen if Lily turned Sirius into a girl for a week, during that week, and he had cramps? Do you think he would actually understand girls better then?<br>Sincerely,  
>IceBlueCrystal<p>

_Dear IceBlueCrystal,_  
><em>It's fine, really. I put up with him because I- er, he's my friend.<em>  
><strong>And he wants my arse.<strong>  
><em>Says who?<em>  
><strong>Do you think I'm stupid and can't read my name between those coughs?<strong>  
><em>Don't take everything so offensively.<em>  
><em>If Sirius got turned into a girl, and I had to deal with a <em>_hormonal__ Sirius (which would be way worse than normal Sirius), I would die. _  
><strong>That's not something to joke about! I love my penis, thank you! I don't want to trade it for some girl stuff.<strong>  
><strong>Moony? Are you okay? Your turning red.<strong>  
><em>I'm fine. Absolutely <em>_fine__, thank you._  
><em>Sincerely,<em>  
><em>Remus<em>

…

Dear Remus,  
>I've recently been attacked by a werewolf and have been turned into a werewolf. Do you have any advice on how to deal with the change?<br>From,  
>New Howler<p>

_Dear New Howler,_  
><em>To be honest, you just have to deal with it. Sure, it's gonna be painful, you won't get many jobs in the wizarding world, and people are going to shun. Try to find that one person who you love, and they will at least be your friend, hopefully. That will make life worth living once again.<em>  
><strong>Who's the person you love? C'mon, tell me.<strong>  
><em>I-I can't, Sirius.<em>  
><em>Sincerely,<em>  
><em>Remus<em>

…

Dear SIRIUS and Remus,  
>*goes and cries in corner* IM SORRY! DON'T HATE ME! It was an accident! And I dont want aliens to invade! What will I do if they do?<br>Crying hystericly in corner,  
>Chocolate Covered Stalker<p>

_Dear Chocolate Covered Stalker,_  
><em>Aliens invading is a bunch of bollocks, and if Sirius keeps promoting that shite, then I will kick him in the bollocks.<em>  
><strong>You want them, don't you?<strong>  
><em>Will you just drop your perveretedness for one second? Please?<em>  
><strong>You only want be to stop 'cause what I say is true.<strong>  
><em>Why do you feel the need to flirt with everyone?<em>  
><strong>I don't flirt with everyone.<strong>  
><em>Yes, you do.<em>  
><strong>Only girls and you.<strong>  
><em>Good to know I'm grouped with girls.<em>  
><strong>Back to business! If aliens invade, go find someone named Alfred Jones and you should be fine as long as you're not British. That is all.<strong>  
><em>What the hell? Why this Jones person?<em>  
><strong>Because he's friends with an alien.<strong>  
><em>Right...<em>  
><em>Sincerely,<em>  
><em>Remus<em>

…

Dear Remus (and maybe Sirius, tehe),  
>Do you like to draw? I know I do! I have doodles all over my wall.<br>Also, have you ever had your heart broken?  
>Oh, and how would you react if you found out one of your closest friends had been lying to you for weeks? This just happened and I don't know what to do. :(<br>Truly yours,  
>Nell Christine<p>

_Dear Nell Christine,_  
><em>Sadly, I don't have much talent with a pencil or pen. I usually stick to writing rather than drawing. Sirius, on the other hand...<em>  
><strong>I have doodles all over my schoolbooks. I get bored in class; Remus is taking notes, Peter has to pay attention to pass his exams, and James is staring at Lily. What else can I do? So, I doodle in my books.<strong>  
><em>That's horrible, Sirius.<em>  
><em>The reason I won't tell the person I like that I fancy them is so I won't have my heart broken. It would be the end of the world if I lost hi- them!<em>  
><strong>When I was in second year, I found out one of my closest friends had been lying to me, Prongs, and Wormtail for a year. We still love him, however.<strong>  
><em><span>Prongs, Wormtail, and I.<span>__ Use proper grammar._  
><strong>See? Even if he corrects my grammar, I still love him.<strong>  
><strong>Are you okay, Moony? You're looking a little flushed.<strong>  
><em>Yes. I'm good.<em>  
><em>Sincerely, <em>  
><em>Remus<em>

…

Dear Remus,  
>I think that you shouldn't be afraid of asking someone out just because you're a werewolf. Don't worry Padfoot told me. Anyway, I was going to ask who you think would win in a duel, Sirius or James? And I was also going to ask if Padfoot is still alive that is... ( after you're done punishing him for telling everyone), and this is for Padfoot but why is Peter even in your Marauder group? Please don't murder Padfoot because August 4th is my birthday.<br>Sincerely,  
>IceBlueCrystal<p>

_Dear IceBlueCrystal,_  
><em>Who says I'm afraid to ask someone out? I'm just afraid they won't like me back, not because I'm a wer- SIRIUS! <em>  
><strong>Oui?<strong>  
><em>Why the hell did you tell this person what I am? And why are you speaking French?<em>  
><strong>'Cause I got bored.<strong>  
><em>So you told them I'm a werewolf?<em>  
><strong>No, I was speaking French because I was bored.<strong>  
><em>Why in Merlin's pants did you tell them I was a werewolf?<em>  
><strong>You know you want to get in my pants, you naughty-<strong>  
><em>STOP AVOIDING THE SUBJECT WITH CRUDE REMARKS!<em>  
><strong>Woah. Did I just make you write in all capital letters? I'm the only one that's ever been able to make Remus loose his temper! Woo!<strong>  
><em>Why, may I ask, is the something to be happy about?<em>  
><strong>Dunno.<strong>  
><em>Moving on.<em>  
><em>Sirius and James are equally skilled. I think both of them would be dead by the end of a duel.<em>  
><strong>Are you insulting me?<strong>  
><em>However, I would hope that Sirius would win.<em>  
><strong>You care about me! I'm touched!<strong>  
><em>No! It's... because then we don't have to deal with James fawning over Lily anymore. <em>  
><strong>Fawning is such an appropriate word, because of his An-<strong>  
><em>Again, moving on!<em>  
><strong>Fine, fine. <strong>  
><strong>Peter is in the Marauders because we took him under our (very sexy) wing. It began as helping him with homework, and then he started following Prongs around. As James enjoys hero worship, he basically told Moony and I that Wormtail had to join our group. He also has good prank ideas!<strong>  
><em>Happy birthday.<em>  
><em>Sincerely,<em>  
><em>Remus<em>


	6. Chapter 6

Dear Remus.  
>Do you have a crush on Sirius? Or better yet, do you love him? Also in the future, if there was a way via a spell or potion so that two men can have children, what would you call yours and Sirius' children?<br>Just food for thought.

Thanks!  
>Mini Luna<p>

_Dear Mini Luna,_  
><em>I- er... <em>  
><strong>If I had children, I would name them Alfred and Matthew!<strong>  
><strong>Everyone knows that Remus wants me to have his children!<strong>  
><em>W-who is everyone, exactly?<em>  
><strong>Moony, I don't think this column is good for your health. You keep turning Expelliarmus Red.<strong>  
><em>I- I'm not obligated to share my thoughts with you, Mini Luna.<em>  
><em>Sincerely,<em>  
><em>Remus <em>

…

Sirius and Remus,  
>*stops crying* I'm good? Because I am american. Yayy! *starts cryimg again* WAIT! Does Sirius forgive me?<br>Still crying,  
>Chocolate covered stalker<br>P.S. I support RLSB all the way

_Dear Chocolate covered stalker,_  
><em>What did I say about aliens invading? It's shite.<em>  
><strong>I suppose I can forgive you. Just make sure it doesn't happen again!<strong>  
><em>About your last bit; RLSB? What does that mean? RLSB... <em>  
><strong>Maybe it stands for Radical Life Support Breasts. <strong>  
><em>Yeah, let's go with that!<em>  
><em>Sincerely,<em>  
><em>Remus<em>

…

Dear Remus (and Sirius),  
>First of all, Sirius, I think you're sexy :)<br>And Remus, man effing up and ask her out.  
>Okay, anyway, I think my friend is avoiding me. What should I do?<br>Love,  
>PurplePrincess77<p>

**Dear PurplePrincess77,**  
><strong>Thank you! I <strong>**know**** I'm effing sexy! I'm a sex god!**  
><em>Ask who out? I don't know who "her" is...<em>  
><strong>If your friend is ignoring you, tell them that this guy named Ivan is making everyone become one with him and the only safe place to stay is at your house.<strong>  
><em>What is with you? Lying to someone is not a good way to make them want to hang out with you.<em>  
><strong>It make not be a good way, but it bloody well works!<strong>  
><em>I suggest you invite her to go to the mall or cinema with you. <em>  
><em>Sincerely,<em>  
><em>Remus<em>

…

Dear Remus,  
>I think you keep talking about Sirius, and I also think that you love him. I'm sorry, it's kinda implied. And I also know that Sirius, Peter and James are animagus. Blame Peter, he stinks at keeping secrets. But that's beyond my point, you like Sirius even though he bothers you to death. If you aren't going to make a comment, than I want to hear what Sirius has to say. And I am also going to add that there is nothing wrong with a boy liking another boy. I hold nothing against them.<br>Sincerely,  
>IceBlueCrystal<p>

_Dear IceBlueCrystal,_  
><em>I just got Sirius to leave by telling him Snape is in the Divination classroom. He won't be back for a while.<em>  
><em>Do not tell anyone what I am about to write. Ever.<em>  
><em>The truth is... I do love Sirius. I can't help but to have fallen in love with him. It's not just his looks (he could look like Peter for all I care), but his personality. He was the one that came up with the idea to become Animagi for me, you know.<em>  
><em>Him bothering me to death is one thing I love about him. He almost never leaves my side; like a dog. Though, since Wormtail told you about the whole Animagus ordeal, you should know why that analogy is quite accurate.<em>  
><em>I finally admitted it. I'm in love with my best friend, Sirius Black. Happy?<em>  
><em>Sincerely,<em>  
><em>Remus<em>

…

Dear Remus & Sirius,  
>Okay, let's all be honest here. I'm pretty sure that you two aren't JUST friends. Come on, you're Marauders, toughen up and admit to your feelings for each other!<br>Sirius, if you honestly admit it... I won't say a word to that one girl in Divination class who you've been hitting on for the past month!  
>Sincerely,<br>Feathers

**Dear Feathers,**  
><strong>I told Remus that some first year scribbled on his homework, so he left and I can answer this question all by myself! <strong>  
><strong>At the moment, we are <strong>**just**** friends. Much to my dismay, of cour- whoops! You never read that! **  
><strong>Fine, you did read it. Bleh.<strong>  
><strong>The following is FOR YOUR EYES ONLY! OKAY?<strong>  
><strong>I'm bloody in love with my friend, okay? He's so... awesome. There's no other way to put it. He's bloody amazing, and sexy. Sexiness isn't required, but it's a perk.<strong>  
><strong>Fortunately, he hasn't found out about my crush the size of Gringotts yet, but it's been difficult to keep it from him. I mean, you have no idea what the face he makes when he's concentrating on homework does to me! On the other hand, you probably don't want to know.<strong>  
><strong>And his scars. Oh Merlin, those scars are damn sexy in my opinion.<strong>  
><strong>The reason I hit on that girl was because she looked a lot like Remus, okay? Forget about it.<strong>  
><strong>Always sexy,<strong>  
><strong>Sirius<strong>

…

Dear Sirius, (sorry Remus, but he's Siriuser than you. However you can answer as well if you want to)

Anyway, Why do you always act like such a ladies man when it's obvious you're lusting after Remus by how much you're flirting with him? It's time to be sirius and to just ask him out. It's sad that you're gay though because you are definitely sexy. Oh, and tell Potter that he's just creeping Lily Evans out with his stalkerness, she's thinking of complaining to McGonagall.

Yours Siriusly,

RandomRavenclaw

_Dear RandomRavenclaw,_  
><em>Good to know that I'm loved.<em>  
><strong>It's obvious that I'm lusting after Remus? <strong>  
><strong>Wait, that sounded- oh, eff it. <strong>  
><strong>Thank you for another wonderful compliment! I have been sexy since birth.<strong>  
><strong>I have been telling James to forget about Lily for practically forever!<strong>  
><em>Two years.<em>  
><strong>Thank you for the warning! I'll be sure to tell him.<strong>  
><strong>Oh, and why do you like punning my name so much?<strong>  
><strong>Always sexy,<strong>  
><strong>Sirius<strong>

…

Dear remus and sirius,

i know the future and im gonna tell it to you. james and lily die at age 21 and remus becomes dada teacher at hogwarts and sirius is in azkaban for 12 years because people thought he murdered peter pettigrew but he didnt. sirius dies when hes 35 and remus dies when hes 37. do you believe me?

frum,

i know everything

_Dear I know everything,_  
><em>Considering your grammar is bloody awful, no, I don't believe you.<em>  
><strong>Me? In Azkaban? <strong>  
><strong>By the way, how old is Peter when he dies? You never mentioned him.<strong>  
><em>It doesn't matter, Sirius. They're making it up. <em>  
><em>Sincerely, <em>  
><em>Remus<em>

…

Remus and Sirius:  
>I'm quite awkward around guys, and I seem permanently stuck in the "friend zone" with all the ones I'd be remotely interested in. Is there any way out of it?<br>Sirius, you mentioned something about hating all your Slytherin relatives. Wasn't your cousin Andromeda in Slytherin? I thought you liked her.  
>Are there any other wizard sports besides Quidditch? It seems unfair if that's the only sport to follow; in the muggle world we have way too many sports. I'd like to see the wizarding equivalent of a monster truck rally.<br>Thanks!

_Dear Thanks,_  
><em>You could try asking one of them out. Unfortunately, I'm not too good with getting in a romantic relationship myself, so there's not much I can say.<em>  
><strong>I forgot about her, even though I did mention Nymphadora (my second cousin). She's surpirisingly decent for having been a Slytherin.<strong>  
><em>I don't believe there are any sports besides Quidditch. None that I know of, anyway.<em>  
><em>Sincerely,<em>  
><em>Remus <em>

…

Dear Remus~,  
>For your "puppy love" problem I suspect that telling your feelings won't hurt and would actually help the situation. Now back to questions, see I just moved to a new state and I'm starting high school. Do you by any chance have any advice on making true friends?<br>P.S.- Sirius how many girls have you exactly dated?  
>Love,<br>LOGGINGoNiZaPaIN

_Dear LOGGINGoNiZaPaIN,_  
><em>Calling my situation "puppy love" is bloody ridiculous, no matter how clever you think you are.<em>  
><em>I take it you live in America, with the state thing and all.<em>  
><strong>You'll be fine when the aliens invade!<strong>  
><em>True friends will accept you, and even love you, for who you are. Therefore, just be yourself when you hang out around people.<em>  
><strong>I have dated one girl. Her name was Richelle, and she was a Ravenclaw. Our relationship went on for a little over seven months, but then she broke up with me.<strong>  
><em>I'm sorry to hear that. <em>  
><strong>You already knew!<strong>  
><em>Oh, yes... the one you slept with.<em>  
><strong>Hey! She was the one who suggested it.<strong>  
><em>Just because your girlfriend says you two should do something doesn't mean you should.<em>  
><em>Sincerely,<em>  
><em>Remus<em>

…

Dear Remus,  
>I'm ba-ack! This time with a REAL question...<br>Okay, so the first thing you should know is that I'm a girl. And that I'm in love... With another girl...  
>I honestly think that you're above homophobia, and I doubt that you care about that itsy-bitsy-teeny-weeny-yellow-polka-dot detail.<br>So my problem isn't about the same gender thing... It's mainly the fact that I've never met this girl... You know... In PERSON. I've never seen her picture... Or heard her voice... I don't even know how OLD she is! All I know is that there's a three hour time difference between us.  
>But I love her. I do. Whenever she tells me that she's sad I'm sad too. And whenever she tells me that she's happy I smile. I can't help it. She tells me' that she's not pretty, but I think that she's beautiful. I don't need to see her to know that...<br>I'm quite literally Siriusly Lupin for her...  
>Love from,<br>imSiriuslyLupin4you  
>Ps<br>What do you think I should do if she accidentally comes across this letter?  
>Pss<br>Do you think that you'll ever fall in love with someone as the same gender as you?

_Dear imSiriuslyLupin4you,_  
><em>From your letter, I can tell you are quite in love with her. The fact that you care so much about her personality and not her looks shows that you care very deeply for her. I, unfortunately, am not one to come to for romantic advice. <em>  
><strong>You could meet up using alien transportation! <strong>  
><em>What is your obsession with aliens?<em>  
><em>If she accidentally finds this letter, you can simply tell her the truth.<em>  
><strong>Or you could claim that aliens wrote it!<strong>  
><em>Okay, the alien thing is seriously annoying the bloody hell out of me!<em>  
><strong>Of course it's Siriusly annoying, I'm Sirius, duh.<strong>  
><em>Stop with the puns.<em>  
><em>I am in love with someone of the same gender as well. Sad thing is, he's bloody oblivious.<em>  
><strong>Who is it?<strong>  
><em>I'm not telling you.<em>  
><em>Sincerely, <em>  
><em>Remus<em>

…

Dear Remus (and Sirius, probably.)  
>I think you should tell the person whom you like that you like hi- them. It's always worth the risk, because he- THEY just might love you back. Also, would you rather date a large size or smaller sized girl? Just wondering.<br>Sincerely, Forever Alone.

_Dear Forever Alone,_  
><em>It's not worth the risk of losing an amazing friendship over. They might think I'm some sick pervert or something.<em>  
><strong>Why would anyone think you're sick, Moons?<strong>  
><em>They just might.<em>  
><em>I wouldn't exactly date a girl, if you know what I mean.<em>  
><em>Sincerely,<em>  
><em>Remus <em>

…

Dear Remus and Sirius,  
>Before you go on in this letter, read a lemon! It doesn't even have to be you two. There's JamesXLily, RemusXJames, SiriusxLily… I've even come across a few with you guys with Snape and a very interesting threesome with you two and Regulus that also involved blueberry batter.<br>You're welcome, Remus. But no matter how big his ego gets, you'll still love him. He's not Sirius without it. xP And he is right, Remus. You are sexy. Sirius, if I were you, I would be aware of drapery around the 1990s. Just trust me on this one.  
>You two never answered my second question! Would you two date eachother? But I probably don't even need to ask. It's kinda obvious you two would want to; stuttering, flirting…<br>~that one person  
>P.S Can I send you guys dares?<p>

_Dear that one person,_  
><em>We found a lemon, but it wasn't very good. It had to do with people making out keenly against a tree in the Forbidden Forest. <em>  
><strong>Don't forget "thingie" and "you-know-what"s!<strong>  
><em>How could I forget?<em>  
><strong>Me, Remus, and <strong>**Regulus****? What the fu-**  
><em>I'm gonna cut you off there.<em>  
><strong>-ck. Meanie. <strong>  
><strong>You people do know Regulus is my <strong>**brother****, right? That's incest; not that it bothers my ****family****, as my parents were cousins. Though, the incest could explain why my cousin Bellatrix is just a tad insane.**  
><em>I appreciate the compliment. I'm not so egotistical that I go around saying I'm sexy, though.<em>  
><strong>Why do I need to beware of bloody drapery? Oh well, I guess I might as well listen to you. Better to be safe than sorry, I suppose.<strong>  
><em>Er...<em>  
><em>You may send us dares, though I can't promise we'll do them.<em>  
><em>Sincerely,<em>  
><em>Remus<em>

…

Dear Remus and Sirius,  
>First of all, how are you?<br>Would either of you ever grow a moustache or beard?  
>How is good old Albus Dumbledore doing? He's so amazing.<br>Oh and tell James I say Hi, and I guess tell Peter too.  
>Sincerely,<br>RUMBLEROAR

_Dear RUMBLEROAR,_  
><em>I'm very well, thank you.<em>  
><strong>I'm sexy!<strong>  
><em>I do not plan on growing a moustache or beard. Sorry if you want me to...<em>  
><strong>Why would I need a beard on this sexy face? Besides, moustaches just look like caterpillars lying on one's face.<strong>  
><em>Dumbedore has been good. A little stressed, I think, from all this Dark Lord business, but other than that, he's great.<em>  
><strong>Do James and Peter even know you?<strong>  
><em>We'll say hi.<em>  
><em>Sincerely, <em>  
><em>Remus<em>

…

DEAR LUPIN,  
>SIRIUSLY, WHO DO YOU FANCY SO MUCH? I BET WE'RE ALL<br>DYING TO KNOW! ITS KILLING US. YOU MIGHT AS WELL TELL  
>US ANYWAY, SIRIUS IS PUTTING TOGETHER ALL THE CLUES. HE WILL<br>FIND OUT SOONER OR LATER. SO TELL US PLEASE, I BEG OF YOU,  
>REMUS JOHN LUPIN!<br>Love,  
>Tonks<p>

_Dear Tonks,_  
><em>Why does everyone feel that need to pun Sirius' name! Those puns are not funny!<em>  
><strong>Yes they are.<strong>  
><em>As for Sirius putting together "the clues"; he may be smart when it comes to schoolwork, but he's practically oblivious to other people's feelings. <em>  
><strong>Wait one bloody second! Tonks is the surname of my cousin Andromeda's husband. Why does he want to know who you fancy?<strong>  
><em>I don't know.<em>  
><em>I'm not telling you.<em>  
><em>Sincerely,<em>  
><em>Remus<em>

…

Dear Rerius or Sirmus  
>Like the names I gave you guys? I mixed your names together!<br>Anyway, do you guys like Harry Potter? I think J.K. Rowling's writing is just brilliant! And the movies are amazing too!  
>I cried when both of you died though! :( You guys were my favourite!<br>Cheers,  
>You're Remus Frikkin Lupin<p>

_Dear Your Remus Frikkin Lupin,_  
><em>No, I do not think your names for us are amusing in the least.<em>  
><strong>I think they're funny! But Sirmus isn't as sexy a name as Sirius, if you ask me.<strong>  
><em>No one asked you which one was sexier.<em>  
><strong>I do not know a Harry Potter, but I do know a James Potter! He's my best friend! I mean, he's almost like a brother to me!<strong>  
><em>A twin brother, more like it. How you guys can read each others' minds is beyond me.<em>  
><strong>We died?<strong>  
><em>Everyone dies at some point, Sirius. No one lives on this earth forever.<em>  
><strong>That's true.<strong>  
><em>I'm glad that we were your favorites.<em>  
><em>Sincerely,<em>  
><em>Remus<em>

…

Dear Mr. Lupin and Mr. Black,  
>What do you guys know about The Chamber Of Secrets?<br>How about The Deathly Hallows? Preferbly about the elder wand...  
>Tell Severus I say Hello and will see him soon, one day.<br>My worst regards,  
>The Dark Lord<p>

_Dear The Dark Lord,_  
><em>The Chamber of Secrets is merely a myth. It's exsistence has no basis in reality.<em>  
><strong>The Deathly Hallows? You mean those things Death gave the three brothers in a tale by Beedle the Bard? Those are children's stories. The Elder Wand and that other stuff doesn't exist.<strong>  
><strong>Why the hell would we talk to Snivellus for you? <strong>  
><em>I'll tell Lily to say hi to him for you.<em>  
><em>Sincerely,<em>  
><em>Remus<em>

…

Dear Professor Lupin (and Sirius),  
>Help! Save me from this terrible fate! A girlvampire/goffik named Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way has converted me to a pureblood whose name is B'loody Mary Smith and whose parents are vampires! HELP!  
>Sincerely,<br>HERMIONE!

_Dear HERMIONE,_  
><em>Why does everyone insist on calling me professor? I am not a professor, I am a fifth year student at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardy! Besides, the fact that I have a certain condition means that I will probably never be able to get a job in the wizarding world.<em>  
><strong>That Ebony chick was in a lemon that we just read. Do you know who Draco is?<strong>  
><em>I'm afraid have no way of saving you.<em>  
><em>Sincerely,<em>  
><em>Remus<em>

…

dear remus,  
>did u hav any girlfriends at hogwarts?<br>fromm  
>llaaazzzyyyy<br>ps. every1 knows your a werewolf because of the harry potter books

_Dear llaaazzzyyyy,_  
><em>I can barely understand a sodding word of what you are trying to say. Use proper grammar next time.<em>  
><em>I think the question should be "Do you have a girlfriend, or have you had one." The answer is no.<em>  
><em>Got anything to add, Sirius?<em>  
><strong>Nope.<strong>  
><em>That's a first.<em>  
><em>Sincerely,<em>  
><em>Remus<em>  
><em>P.S. I do not know this Harry Potter character. Stop mentioning him, please.<em>

…

Dear Sirius and Remus  
>Have you ever had a chocolate eating contest? If you did who won?<br>Sirius, don't go into the Department of Mysteries... Then you won't have to beware of the drapery...  
>Remus, tell us who you like! Is it a certain friend who likes to use their name as an annoying pun constantly?<br>From  
>It's Me<p>

_Dear It's Me,_  
><em>I have never been in a chocolate eating contest, though that sounds like a great idea! I will pitch it to Dumbledore.<em>  
><strong>Why the hell would I go in the Department of Mysteries? Isn't that off limits to the general public anyway?<strong>  
><em>Who uses their name as a pun constantly? I don't know who you're talking about.<em>  
><strong>Don't they mean m-<strong>  
><em>Sincerely,<em>  
><em>Remus<em>

…

Thank you guys for all the wonderful reviews! I can't believe I've gotten fifty of them! Fangz (geddit coz im goffik)!


	7. Chapter 7

Sorry I haven't updated for a whole bloody week, but I've been busy watching anime :P. No excuse, I know. Here it is!

Key:  
>Letter<br>_Remus_  
><strong>Sirius<strong>  
><em><strong>James<strong>_  
><span><strong>Peter<strong>

…

Dear Remus.  
>I triple dare you and Sirius to snog each other for 7 minutes! :D<br>Both of you basically proclaimed your undying love for each other in the last chapter/article while the other was gone. Also Remus, I find it hypocritical of you to give others advice on dating and how to tell their crush/lover that they love them when you won't do it yourself! Face it, Remus loves Sirius and Sirius loves Remus.  
>It's so obvious! Just get together already you two!<br>:D  
>Thanks.<br>Mini Luna

_**Dear Mini Luna,**_  
><em><strong>MWAHAHAHA! I jacked Remus' awesome letters!<strong>_  
><em><strong>Why would you dare my best mates to snog?<strong>_  
><em><strong>They proclaimed their love for each other? Padfoot and Moony ain't gay. You people are stupid.<strong>_  
><em><strong>Remus has been giving dating advice? The bloke's never had a girlfriend. I wouldn't take his advice, if I were you. It never worked on getting Lily to go out with me. Speaking of which, I don't know why she won't go out with me. I mean, I am the Chaser on the Quidditch team. Who wouldn't want to go out with me?<strong>_  
><em><strong>Shite, I hear Remus walking this way! Gotta go!<strong>_  
><em><strong>BDQPE (Best Damn Quidditch Player Ever),<strong>_  
><em><strong>James<strong>_

…

Sirius and Remus,  
>I AM FORGIVEN! *Does happy dance* Would you like to join my happy dance? And aliens are real! Don't deny it! They always take the non belivers first...Remus.. And RLSB is't a what its a who...or two whos...? Which two people do you know that when you take their initails and put them together you get RLSB?<br>Still doing the happy dance,  
>Chocolate covered stalker<p>

_Dear Chocolate covered stalker,_  
><em>I hope to Merlin that James didn't reply to your letter already. He just ran past me on the stairs.<em>  
><strong>I help answer your letters. Why can't Prongs?<strong>  
><em>Because... You know what? Why can't anything of mine be <em>_just__ mine. I always have to share my stuff with someone, and most of the time it's you that I share it with!_  
><strong>I only do it because you let me!<strong>  
><em>Heh... I do, don't I?<em>  
><em>Now, to actually answer the letter. <em>  
><strong>Is happy dancing anything like dirty dancing? If so, I'm definitely in!<strong>  
><em>I thought you didn't want people to think you were a man-whore.<em>  
><strong>I don't.<strong>  
><em>Then why'd you... forget it. Your logic cannot be comprehended by anyone.<em>  
><strong>Except James.<strong>  
><em>There are <em>_no__ such things as aliens. Sirius likes to make up stories to scare first years, and somehow they managed to seep into my letters._  
><strong>RLSB... Regulus, Lucius, Severus, and Bellatrix! Why are you putting Slytherin initials in the your letter? <strong>  
><em>Actually, Sirius, I think they meant... nevermind.<em>  
><em>Sincerely,<em>  
><em>Remus<em>

…

Dear Remus,  
>Thanks for the advice... Now all I have to do it take it...<br>I guess that it's obvious that I wouldn't be a Gryffindor... I am SUCH a coward...  
>Sirius, you seem to be the most outgoing... How do you do it? Just go up to someone and ask them outask them you feel/tell them that you love them? I was going to casually mention it casually but I've been obnoxiously obvious. And she's just being adorabley oblivious. Or maybe she's just ignoring my advances. My excellent flirting skills are having no effect!  
>Still Siriusly Lupin,<br>imSiriuslyLupin4you  
>Ps<br>Is chocolate a good gift? Or is it too impersonal?

_Dear imSiriuslyLupin4you,_  
><em><span>Wouldn't<span>__ be a Gryffindor? Are you taught magic at home? Or do you go to a different wizarding school?_  
><strong>I don't just go up to people I really love and ask them out. I only have gone out with a handful of girls, and only one I continued to go out with after the first date.<strong>  
><em>Why do you feel the need to keep bringing her up?<em>  
><strong>I've only talked about her once, Remus.<strong>  
><em>I understand what it's like to have someone be oblivious toignore your advances. If you make advances, that is._  
><em>I would think of chocolate as a personal gift, but that's only because it's something I greatly enjoy eating.<em>  
><strong>I think chocolate would be great!<strong>  
><em>'Course you would.<em>  
><em>Sincerely,<em>  
><em>Remus<em>

…

Dearest Remus (and Sirius, too),  
>Who do you think the cutest girl in school is? Cutest guy? What are your favorite classes? When is your birthday? Have you ever played truth or dare? Do you have any pet peeves? That's all for now.<br>Truly yours,  
>Curiosity Killed The Damn Cat<p>

_Dear Curiosity Killed The Damn Cat,_  
><em>Why are there all these questions about girls?<em>  
><strong>I thought this girl that I was flirting with in Divination was pretty cute.<strong>  
><em>Cutest guy? Er...<em>  
><strong>I dunno. That little first year was adorable when he asked me what my next prank was gonna be.<strong>  
><em>I don't think they meant cute in that sense, Sirius.<em>  
><strong>Oh... I knew that.<strong>  
><em>Sure you did.<em>  
><strong>My favorite class is the class we have with Minnie McGoogles; Transfiguration! I'm awesome at it!<strong>  
><em>Apparently, considering you're an Animagus.<em>  
><em>My favorite class is anything besides Potions; I suck at that. <em>  
><strong>You-<strong>  
><em>Don't. Say. Anything. Suggestive.<em>  
><strong>Damn.<strong>  
><strong>My birthday is July 17th.<strong>  
><em>Mine is March 10th.<em>  
><strong>Have we played Truth or Dare? We're the Marauders; what do you think?<strong>  
><em>My pet peeve is bad grammar, in case you haven't noticed. As well as people calling me "professor"; what is up with that?<em>  
><strong>I hate it when girls pile lipstick on their face. It's sticky and gross.<strong>  
><em>I concur.<em>  
><em>Sincerely,<em>  
><em>Remus<em>

…

Dear Remus (and Sirius: I've given up saying just Remus),  
>Yes, I do know you and Regulus are brothers, Sirius. I was just saying. And are you kidding me? Bellatrix is more than a "tad" insane. And your welcome, Remus.<br>Sirius, I don't think I should tell you why you should beware of drapery because it could mess up a lot of things. Or probably not but it's better to be safe than sorry. Just be careful when at the Ministry around black curtains.  
>Here's you dare. Snog eachother. Come on. I know you want to. Do it! Or else I will hunt you down and shove you two in a broom closet until you two actually do it. I can and will do it. And for the heck of it, here's a question. Do you two ever have inappropriate dreams about eachother?<br>~that one person

**Dear that one person,**  
><strong>She is a more than tad. I was being sarcastic, duh.<strong>  
><em>Don't be rude, Sirius. Besides, you aren't that good at sarcasm. <em>  
><strong>I know that. You're the bloody king of sarcasm.<strong>  
><strong>Why the hell would I go to the Ministry? It full of pricks who make you obey their laws; half of which are stupid. <strong>  
><em>They have rules for a reason.<em>  
><em>Snog each other?<em>  
><strong>It's either that or get pushed in a closet and have to snog anyway, Remy. Take your pick.<strong>  
><em>Don't call me Remy. <em>  
><strong>Well?<strong>  
><em>Fine. We'll be right back.<em>  
><span><strong>Hello, that one person. I just saw Moony and Padfoot walking down the hall. I guess I might as well answer their last question for them.<strong>  
><span><strong>Are you kidding me? You don't want to have to sleep in a bed that's right between both of them. It's scary; sometimes their dreams are simultaneous. So it's sounds like they're shagging even though they aren't. I once heard Sirius beg Remus to suck him in his sleep. The mental images never left. And I walked in on Remus wanking in the shower, saying Sirius' name. He never saw me, though. <strong>  
><span><strong>Let's just say there are things I wish I could erase from my memory.<strong>  
><span><strong>Sincerely,<strong>  
><span><strong>Peter<strong>

…

Dear Remus,  
>You do realize that since you wrote that down, Sirius could probably very easily find it? Anyway do you think all the Marauders have some kind of obsession? Like James is obsessed with trying to get Lily to like him, Sirius is obsessed with his hair and his stupid puns, and I'm really not sure about Peter, but most people say you're obsessed with chocolate. Oh and Sirius really seems to have issues with the whole alien did this, type of thing. And I'm just going to say probably a lot of people are freaking out about who Remus Lupin likes, and it really isn't that hard, but then again Sirius's mind isn't the brightest. Sorry Sirius, and those puns really aren't that great. You should get a new pun or maybe you just shouldn't feel the urge to pun every time you can. I really think you people should just confess, and please not a stupid " I love you!" type of thing, those just make me gag. Any who, what is your favorite type of owl? Sorry about everyone and the drapery, personally I think you should just ignore them and live your life. Remus, it's okay all those people who are calling you professor, just ignore them too. And with the Harry Potter, you'll understand all this in the future and I'm sorry for the<br>very long letter.  
>Sincerely,<br>IceBlueCrystal

_**Dear IceBlueCrystal,**_  
><em><strong>What did Remus write down? All his sexual desires?<strong>_  
><em><strong>I am not obsessed with Lily. I am in love with her.<strong>_  
><em><strong>Sirius actually doesn't obsess over his hair; it's naturally like that, so he never needs to do anything to his hair but brush it. He does make those puns those (they're extremely awesome)!<strong>_  
><em><strong>Peter is obsessed with food. <strong>_  
><em><strong>Remus loves chocolate. I sometimes wonder if he wanks to it...<strong>_  
><em><strong>This year, Sirius has not dropped the subject of aliens. You know, he won't even comfort me about Lily's denial of her feelings for me.<strong>_  
><em><strong>I dunno, nor do I give a shite, who Remus fancies. As long as it's not me (as if he's gay, pff), I'm cool.<strong>_  
><em><strong>The SiriusSerious pun is great to annoy McGonagall with. It's great!**_  
><em><strong>I wish Lily would confess already. You know what? I think it's Snivellus. He put a charm on her so she can't say, "I effing love you James Potter and I want to have your three million babies!" That sniveling berk.<strong>_  
><em><strong>I like any owl that have a red feathers and green eyes. If you find one like that, send it to me please!<strong>_  
><em><strong>Harry Potter? I am not related to a Harry! Who is this identity thief?<strong>_  
><em><strong>I wonder where Sirius and Remus are...<strong>_  
><em><strong>BDQPE,<strong>_  
><em><strong>James<strong>_

…

Dear Remus and Sirius,  
>SIRIUS AND REMUS, SITTING IN A TRE-<br>I'm sorry. That was my friend, she's sort of insane.  
>Anyway, I can tell the future. Remus, you will die fighting against the Dark Lord. Your wife will die, too, but your son will lead a happy life. Sirius, you will die fighting against the Dark Lord, too, but you won't ever get married. You'll be living in a house with a house-elf and a hippogriff.<br>Who wants to hear James's fortune?  
>And what should I do if aliens want to eat my mother?<br>Yours,  
>PurplePrincess77<p>

_**Dear PurplePrincess77,**_  
><em><strong>Finally! Someone who knows two of my best mates ain't gay!<strong>_  
><em><strong>Congrats, Remus! You get married and have a son! You better not marry Lily!<strong>_  
><em><strong>I always knew Sirius was destined to be single. Ha, I have Seer blood... though that may not be a good thing, judging by this girl named Trelawny in Ravenclaw who likes to stalk me.<strong>_  
><em><strong>I would love to hear my fortune!<strong>_  
><em><strong>Did Sirius make you worried about the aliens? For once, he's actually grinding on my nerves.<strong>_  
><em><strong>BDQPE,<strong>_  
><em><strong>James<strong>_  
><em><strong>Shite, I hear footsteps! Gotta run!<strong>_

…

Dear Remus (happy now? Besides I was mostly talking to Sirius anyway.)  
>Don't worry Remus you're still the best maurouder-maruader-maruder-HOW THE HECK DO YOU SPELL IT? Whatever. Anyway, Remus are you a werewolf? Because people keep saying that you are. I heard that Peter Pettigrew started the rumor, but I'm not sure why he would, you guys are friends, right? I keep punning your name Sirius, because you punned it first and I'm not one to miss out on a party.<br>Still rather Sirius,  
>RandomRavenclaw<br>Ps. Yes maybe if you stopped flirting with him ALL THE TIME it'd be less obvious.

_Dear RandomRavenclaw,_  
><em>I was being sarcastic. I knew you were talking to Sirius.<em>  
><em>It's spelled "marauder".<em>  
><em>Peter didn't start the rumor, I'm sure. It was probably Snape. He hates me even though I've never done anything to him, thanks to a certain someone and is friend Ames-jay.<em>  
><strong>That certain someone had his hand down your pants not ten minutes ago. <strong>  
><em>Shut up. Forget about that; it was just a snog, like in Truth or Dare. Don't mention that to this person; they don't know about the dare. That was a different letter, remember?<em>  
><strong>You just told them anyway.<strong>  
><em>Damn it.<em>  
><strong>I'm the only one allowed to pun my name in the United Kingdom of Sirius!<strong>  
><em>Are you trying to rip off the States' name?<em>  
><strong>No. I'm original.<strong>  
><em>No doubt.<em>  
><strong>I do not flirt all the time. Just sometimes.<strong>  
><em>Go back a few sentences.<em>  
><strong>That was referring to an actual occurrence, not something that could happen. Therefore, it's not flirting.<strong>  
><em>Where did you get that logic? <em>  
><strong>And it was because we were snogging because of a dare. See, becauses for everything.<strong>  
><em>You mean reasons.<em>  
><strong>That would make no sense. Think about it; "And it was reason we were snogging reason of a dare." That sounds stupid.<strong>  
><em>I give up.<em>  
><em>Sincerely,<em>  
><em>Remus<em>

…

dear remus and sirius,  
>do you think its cool for girls to ride motorcycles?<br>love,  
>sexy<p>

_Dear sexy,_  
><em>Would it hurt you to use some bloody grammar? I think not.<em>  
><strong>I think it's extremely sexy when girls ride motorcycles. Hence the muggle posters I have in my room.<strong>  
><em>Please capitalize names and the beginnings of sentences at the least.<em>  
><em>Sincerely,<em>  
><em>Remus<em>

…

Dear Remus,  
>Ok, so I think I'm in love with this guy. I hardly ever see him because he isn't in my house or any of my lessons, and we have completely different friend groups, but we used to talk a lot out of school and at one point we were sending owls to eachother about 30 times a day. Then I think he figured out that I like him and now I think he's ignoring me. We haven't communicated at all for two months except for last week when I went him a message saying happy birthday and asked him how he was and he replied with "thanks. :)". He completely ignored my attempt at conversation.<br>I miss him. He used to be one of my best friends and now I've lost him. I still love him but I'm prepared to make no advances on him and try to forget all my past romantic feelings for him if he doesn't want me like that. All I want is my friend back. None of my other friends understand.  
>Love you (as a mate, I'm just trying to be cheerful)! From A Sad, Isolated and Alone Gryffindor.<br>P.S. Remus, you give really good advice and I'd love your help on this, but I need cheering up so any witty remarks from Sirius would be appreciated. You guys are awesome. Best wishes for the future to you, I have to say it, I kinda have a crush on you, Remus. What can I say, you're cute, and thinking about someone else is my attempt at taking my mind off everything. Is that a bad thing? xxx

_Dear A Sad, Isolated and Alone Gryffindor,_  
><em>I'm sorry to hear that your friendship with this bloke has broken up. Especially when you liked him very much.<em>  
><strong>Is he a Slytherin, by any chance? Because if he is, then he is a slimy git!<strong>  
><em>Everyone knows how much you despise Slytherins. You don't need to keep bringing it back up.<em>  
><em>I can understand why you want him back, even if he is just a friend. I'm not willing to risk my friendship for a more intimate relationship, hence why I'm not telling the person I fancy about my feelings for them (Yet. If you girls keep sending me letters...)<em>  
><strong>STOP SENDING HIM LETTERS!<strong>  
><em>Why the bloody hell would you want them to stop sending me letters?<em>  
><strong>Because if you admit your feelings to this person you like, then... <strong>  
><em>Then what?<em>  
><strong>Nothing. Never mind.<strong>  
><em>Thank you for saying I'm awesome. The compliment is appreciated.<em>  
><strong>I'm too depressed for witty remarks. <strong>  
><em>Why?<em>  
><strong>Because you love someone...<strong>  
><em>And why would that matter to you?<em>  
><strong>Because... nevermind.<strong>  
><em>If you keep saying "nevermind", then I'll ignore it.<em>  
><strong>Good. Do so.<strong>  
><em>It's absolutely okay for you to have a crush on me, as long as you know it won't be reciprocated.<em>  
><em>Sincerely,<em>  
><em>Remus<em>

…

Dear Remus:  
>Do you ever think of all the stupid things you've ever done in your life, and regret what you did? I can't seem to stop cringing when I realize how much of an idiot I am.<br>Sincerely,  
>Gem<p>

_Dear Gem,_  
><em>I've done many stupid things in my life. Such as falling in love with the person I'm in love with right now.<em>  
><em>Stop mentioning them. It's getting bloody annoying.<em>  
><em>When I was four, I put a rubber (eraser, for all you Americans out there. I did not get a hold of a condom at age four) in a pot of boiling water because my mum was making spaghetti. She never saw the rubber, and the pasta ended up tasting like shite.<em>  
><strong>I regret losing my virginity to Richelle. Stupid bird, using me like that.<strong>  
><em>We must learn from our mistakes, Sirius. Unfortunately, that's not something you get a second chance with. <em>  
><strong>I know. <strong>  
><em>In short, yes, I have done my fair share of stupid things.<em>  
><em>Sincerely,<em>  
><em>Remus<em>

…

Dear Remus (and Sirius),  
>You keep asking who Harry Potter is. I won't tell you, but if you want to know...there are these books about his adventures. He's a wizard. His books are in the MUGGLE world. They are POPULAR ALL AROUND THE MUGGLE WORLD. The events in these books are REAL and most of them take place in the wizarding world. Both of you are in it. By the way, aren't you concerned that there are books in the Muggle world about actual events in the wizarding world in the futu- and that the Ministry of Magic doesn't even know about them? It'll save a LOT of work if someone from the wizarding world actually READ them.<br>Sincerely,  
>SuperPanda<p>

_Dear SuperPanda,_  
><em>Let me get this straight. There are books about <em>_wizards__ in the __muggle__ world? This is not good! We must inform the Ministry right away! _  
><strong>Are you done, Mr. Goody-Two-Shoes-Who-Likes-To-Ruin-Sirius-And-James'-Fun-And-Is-Sexy-While-Doing-It? Why don't we read these books?<strong>  
><em>Because muggles aren't suppose to know about us, Sirius. That's why.<em>  
><strong>Bleh.<strong>  
><em>Is that all?<em>  
><strong>…<strong>  
><em>I suppose it is.<em>  
><em>Sincerely,<em>  
><em>Remus<em>

…

Dear Remus,  
>(I hit the review button too early...)<br>Have you ever tried to scramble the letters of your name? Remus Lupin turns into 'Lune purism' or 'Impulse run'. Severus Snape turns into 'Save up sneers', 'Persues Evans' (a misspelling of 'pursues') or 'Save pureness'. Sirius Black turns into 'Basilisk cur' or 'Club is a risk'. Bellatrix Lestrange turns into 'All rebel-extra sting'. Lucius Malfoy turns into 'I lay foul scum' and Wormtail turns into 'I'm low rat'. Weird right?  
>From,<br>Anagrams Girl

**Dear Anagrams,**  
><strong>The 'Save up sneers' one certainly suits Snivellus! 'Save pureness' my arse! Everyone knows he wants to get into Lily's pants!<strong>  
><em>That's James.<em>  
><strong>No, he just wants to kiss her and hold her hand and all that sugary-sweet crap they do in those rated "G" muggle movies.<strong>  
><em>'Club is a risk' is almost perfect for Sirius. In third year, when he was a beater on the Quidditch team, he accidentally hit a Hufflepuff in the face with his batclub/thing and broke her nose._  
><strong>It was an accident!<strong>  
><em>Hence why I said accidentally. Pay attention and don't be a git.<em>  
><em>The other anagrams are interesting. <em>  
><strong>Let's just get to the next bloody letter!<strong>  
><em>Okay, Sirius.<em>  
><em>Sincerely,<em>  
><em>Remus<em>

…

Dear RemusSirius, (Oops, a typo. My bad.)  
>Have you ever thought that perhaps you two are in love with each other? No? What? It's impossible? Right, of course it is. Silly me.<br>OF COURSE it's impossible. For smart prefect Remus to fall for you, Sirius, who despite being a Black is a caring, loyal and overall a wonderful friend. (I boost your ego, don't I? Damn.)  
>And OF COURSE it doesn't make sense for Sirius to love you, Remus because you're an ugly werewolf, though secretly he thinks your scars are sexy. (Trust me on this one. I KNOW.) And he becomes an animagus (and risks Azkaban) is not because he loves you. Right. Of course. I'm sorry for my lapse of judgement.<br>Sincerely,  
>Miss Sarkasme<br>Ps. Tell James "Absence makes the heart grow fonder" and explain the meaning (which he most like doesn't know). Perhaps, he'll stop stalking Lily if he thinks Lily'll miss him.  
>Pps. I'd stop messing with Snape if I were you Sirius. You don't want your relationship with Remus ruined just because your temper gets the best of you, right?<p>

_Dear Miss Sarkasme,_  
><em>If there's a typo, why don't you bloody well fix it? Especially if you notice it enough to point it out.<em>  
><strong>Thank you for saying all those wonderfully kind things about me!<strong>  
><em>Way to boost his ego.<em>  
><em>Who would think my scars are sexy? They're ugly. <em>  
><em>In case you're forgetting, James and Peter became Animagi, too. That doesn't mean they're in love with me.<em>  
><em>Sirius, are you okay? You're being awfully quiet.<em>  
><strong>I'm great! Why wouldn't I be?<strong>  
><em>Just making sure.<em>  
><em>I've tried giving James advice, but he never listens to me. The arrogant berk.<em>  
><strong>Leave it to Snivellus to ruin my relationship with my cru- friend! I'm gonna hurt him one of these days.<strong>  
><em>Don't, Sirius. Isn't that what they're warning you <em>_against__?_  
><em>Sincerely,<em>  
><em>Remus<em>

…

Dear Remus (and Sirius, since you are probably there.)  
>This may be hard to hear, but everyone knows you are in love with each other, so just do everyone a favor and go out already! We are all rooting for you, Moony! Love, MBR<br>P.S make sure to invite me to the wedding;D

_Dear MBR,_  
><em>Everybody? Who <em>_exactly__ is everybody?_  
><strong>Remus, why are you writing so slowly? Seems like you're trying not to loose your temper.<strong>  
><em>Because, Sirius, I <em>_am__ trying to not loose it._  
><strong>Why? They just asked a question. You know what? Why don't you go sit down for a while. <strong>  
><em>You answer the letter than.<em>  
><strong>Okay, now what the hell is the bloody question?<strong>  
><strong>I'm pretty sure Remus isn't in love with me, MBR. He usually gets frustrated with me, calls me names, and generally is uptight whenever I'm around. This has been going on since third year. Two years, lady, two years! For two years I've had to put up with his constant bitching about me. Yeah. <strong>  
><strong>He's doesn't love me. I'd say he hates me, but he's still my friend.<strong>  
><strong>Always sey,<strong>  
><strong>Sirius<strong>

…

Dear Sirius and Remus  
>It's Me again!<br>THANK YOU FOR REPLYING!  
>Remus, I am glad you like my idea of a chocolate eating contest and I'm appalled that you haven't tried it since you are addicted to it.<br>Sirius, I like aliens too... Have you wathched E.T? It's a muggle film about aliens...  
>Sirius I have a question. Do YOU think Remus is sexy? Honest opinion.<br>From  
>It's Me<br>P.S Sirius you break in to the Department of Mysteries to save someone you love and care for with the initials H.J.P from Voldy-shorts and his death eaters (did I mention your OH-SO-AMAZINGLY-DEARRANGED-COUSIN Bellatrix was trying to kill that person?  
>P.S Remus are you SURE you don't know anyone? Well then- are you head over heels inlove with a certain person who is SIRIUS-ly (emphasis on Sirius) Sexy, likes Aliens and has a nickname thar implies he has padded feet? ;D<p>

**Dear It's Me,**  
><strong>Remus isn't here, I'm afraid. He's sitting down on the other side of the room with a cup of hot chocolate. <strong>  
><strong>I think he's addicted to the caffeine in the chocolate rather than the chocolate itself, but that's just my opinion.<strong>  
><strong>I don't think I've seen E.T. yet. I'll have to ask Remus or Peter about it.<strong>  
><strong>I think Remus is damn sexy! I told someone else that in a different letter. Remus is so sexy that I just wanna... I don't think I'll scar you with that information.<strong>  
><strong>The only people I care about and love right now are my friends. That's all.<strong>  
><strong>Remus isn't in love with me! I don't know how many times I have to say this, but he isn't! Why would he be such a prat to me most of the time if he was in love with me? It's been going on since third year and I'm bloody well sick of it. Just stop suggesting that. Please?<strong>  
><strong>Always sexy,<strong>  
><strong>Sirius<strong>

…

Hope you enjoyed the snippets of James and Peter in there! I didn't see any way to make this chapter work without having some people besides Sirius and Remus write a few letters.

They snogged like you wished, but they still have yet to admit they're feeling for one another. However, with your guys' persistence, I dunno how much longer I'll be able to resist making them tell each other! I don't want it to be stupid "I LOVE YOU! LET'S GO SHAG NOW!" though. I want it to actually be decent.

Send in letters, peeps!


	8. Chapter 8

Holy crap! 100 reviews? I never imagined any of my stories, especially this story, would ever get that many reviews! I want to thank all of you wonderful peoples! You're all awesome!

Why haven't I updated in forever? School. That is all.

...

Dear Remus,  
>So... I TOLD HER! XD And she likes me back! :D<br>I'm So happy...  
>Um... well the Sorting Hat had trouble sorting me... It was between Ravenclaw and *whispers* Slytherin... DON'T JUDGE ME. Some of my best friends are muggle born. And Just because I was Sorted into this house doesn't mean I'm evil... I'm just overly ambitious...<br>Don't Judge me Please...  
>imSiriuslyLupin4you<p>

_Dear imSiriuslyLupin4you,_  
><em>Congratulations! I'm extremely happy for you.<em>  
><strong>Well I'm not.<strong>  
><em>Why is that?<em>  
><strong>Because she's a Slytherin.<strong>  
><em>Do you really have to be such a dick?<em>  
><strong>You want me to su-<strong>  
><em>Don't.<em>  
><em>I won't judge you, but apparently that doesn't mean certain mutts won't. <em>  
><em>Once again, congrats.<em>  
><em>Sincerely,<em>  
><em>Remus<em>

...

Dear Marauders (I have no clue who will answer anymore),  
>Sirius, let's just leave it at Bellatrix is insane. And I can't exactly tell you why you would go to the Ministry. Let's just say it's to save someone you care about.<br>Peter, I feel bad for you. May I suggest ear plugs or maybe you should put a silencing charm on the both of them while they're asleep? It might help. Or maybe you two can somehow get Sirius and Remus in the same bed somehow, and you and James can go sleep in the Room of Requirement that night. Then they could finally hook up. But since there's Sirius, they might end up going St it like rabbits. If that happens, then I suggest that you and James take permanent residence in the Room of Requirement or make sure they use a silencing charm. Or make them stay in the Room of Requirement.  
>Since this was originally Remus' advice colemn, I should put something in here for him. Well, this next part can go for Sirius too. Did you do it? Did you? And did you two finally get together? If you two didn't, then I must say that you two are then stupid and blind.<br>Since 3/4 of the Marsuders are already here, might as well leave something for James. STOP BEING A PRAT! LEAVE SNAPE ALONE! DON'T ASK LILY OUT ALL THE TIME! She needs her space.  
>Question: If you could relive any moment in your life, which moment would it be?<br>~that one person

**Dear that one person,**  
><strong>No shit, Sherlock. I already knew Bellatrix was insane. She was born upside-down.<strong>  
><em>Really?<em>  
><strong>Yeah. No joke.<strong>  
><strong>Why the hell do you feel bad for Wormtail? And why does he need earplugs?<strong>  
><em>Woah... why would you want Peter to put Sirius and I in the same bed? I end up in certain... situations at night that do not need to become known to some people.<em>  
><strong>Do they happen to be 'sticky' situations? Haha, I made a pun!<strong>  
><em>Not necessarily... and your puns are horrible!<em>  
><strong>Why are you blushing?<strong>  
><em>Shut up.<em>  
><em>We are not together, and we are not blind. I'm not stupid, but I don't know about the git over there.<em>  
><strong>Why do you feel the need to insult me?<strong>  
><strong>I'm the top in most classes. Besides History of Magic, but who gives a damn about that?<strong>  
><em>We'll be sure to tell James to leave Lily alone. Not like he ever listens to us, but we can always try.<em>  
><strong>I would relive last-<strong>  
><em>Sirius! <em>  
><strong>Whoops! Damn, the eraser isn't working.<strong>  
><strong>I would relive the first time I ate honey.<strong>  
><em>Huh? Why that?<em>  
><strong>Because...<strong>  
><em>I won't question your oddities.<em>  
><em>I would relive the first time I met Sirius and James. It was one of the best times of my life.<em>  
><em>Sincerely,<em>  
><em>Remus<em>

...

REMUS!  
>What do you like BEST about being a Marauder?<br>Love,  
>andvellapaz<p>

**Dear andvellapaz,**  
><strong>The thing he likes best is the fact that he can hang out with me all the time and think about what it would feel like to have my-<strong>  
><em>STOP! <em>  
><em>You are vile, Sirius. (Besides, I would top in any relationship.)<em>  
><em>The thing I like best about being a Maruader is that I have friends.<em>  
><strong>With benefits.<strong>  
><em>...you are starting to get on my nerves. <em>  
><strong>Just now?<strong>  
><em>Sincerely,<em>  
><em>Remus<em>

...

Hey!  
>Like the new opening? And I heard you two snogged! *runs and tells the RLSB fan club* Okay, I am back. Sirius, a happy dance is any kind of dance. Mine is known to be like the macarana amd bring on rain. Yours could be a dirty dance if you wish. Remus, no, James did not answery letter, and aliens are real! If you dont come to believe than they will get you! Sirius! We must convince him before its too late!<br>Love,  
>Chocolate Covered Stalker<br>P.S. I heard something about a chocolate eating contest? Please, tell me its true! I beg of you!

_Dear Chocolate Covered Stalker,_  
><em>Aliens are not real, for the last time. They will not get me, as it would be impossible for something that doesn't exist to capture me.<em>  
><strong>Remyyyyy, they 'are' real.<strong>  
><em>No, they are not.<em>  
><em>Sincerely,<em>  
><em>Remus<em>

...

Dear Remus,  
>It's nice to see that you and Sirius are having fun answering these letters. You don't want to even know how much I had to go through to send you this letter, but I won't go in to it now. Anyway I need some advice on something... My boyfried has siriusly pissed off a certain Moldy-shorts that we all know and hate. Now he's on the run and because he doesn't want Moldy-shorts after me he's broken up with me. I told him that he shouldn't be a stupid hero or anything, but he just won't listen! Anyway do you think that there's anything I can do about this situation?<br>Thanks-a-bunch  
>G.M.W.<p>

**Dear G.M.W.,**  
><strong>Does your boyfriend's name happen to be Alfred, with him wanting to be a hero and all?<strong>  
><em>Where the hell do you get this stuff?<em>  
><em>My suggestion is that you make the choice to either wait for him to come back or move on. It's your decision.<em>  
><em>Sincerely,<em>  
><em>Remus<em>

...

Dear The Marauders,  
>I'm not sure who will eventually end up answering this, so I'm just adressing it to all of you. First off, YOU TWO SNOGGED? I thought you had trouble admitting your feelings for each other, and now you're snogging? I do admit that I could be wrong that it was Peter that started the rumor, but I heard several girls in my dorm say that they heard him say that. As well as something about animaguses that I didn't catch. He was probably just trying to seem brilliant or something. Allright question time! When did James first figure out that he liked Lily? What is arithmancy even about? (I'm thinking about taking the class) Also why did you two snog?<br>Yours Awesomely (Me not you Siriusly-big-head)  
>RandomRavenclaw<p>

_Dear RandomRavenclaw,_  
><em>Sirius and I do 'not' have feelings for each other. We snogged on a dare.<em>  
><em>James started fancying Lily in third year.<em>  
><strong>And it's been hell ever since.<strong>  
><em>Arithmancy is the wizarding equivalent of muggle math, but a tad different, as it has to do with magic and such.<em>  
><em>For the second time, we snogged on a dare.<em>  
><strong>Since you think you're so awesome, does your name happen to be Gilbert, and do you happen to be an albino?<strong>  
><em>Again, where the hell are you getting this stuff?<em>  
><em>Sincerely,<em>  
><em>Remus<em>

...

hi remusssss!  
>do u like justen beebir?<p>

_Dear child,_  
><em>What the 'fuck' is wrong with your brain?<em>  
><strong>Woah... did Remus Lupin just drop an F-bomb when he wouldn't let me last chapter?<strong>  
><em>What the fucking hell is wrong with your fucking grammar? Have you ever spent a fucking day at a fucking school that teaches fucking idiots such as your fucking self how to fucking spell?<em>  
><strong>Remus, calm down!<strong>  
><em>Shut the fuck up!<em>  
><strong>O.O He finally cracked.<strong>  
><em>I did not fucking crack, Sirius! Fuck you!<em>  
><strong>O.O I hope McGonagall doesn't get a hold of this letter. (and I might take him up on that offer later)<strong>  
><strong>Always sexy,<strong>  
><strong>Sirius (I had to take the letter away from Remus. He's mad!)<strong>

...

Dear Remus,  
>What is your favourite type of chocolate?<br>Also, what is your favourite muggle song at the moment?  
>Mini Luna<p>

**Dear Mini Luna,**  
><strong>I am having to answer this letter at the moment. Remus is having a swearing fit.<strong>  
><strong>I will tell this one thing, but you have to promise to keep it a secret, 'kay?<strong>  
><strong>Remus' favorite kind of chocolate is the kind that he licked off me last night.<strong>  
><strong>I dunno what his favorite muggle song is.<strong>  
><strong>I just asked him. He said it was "Fuck Idiots of the World Who Don't Know Grammar". I don't know what kind of song that is.<strong>  
><strong>Always sexy,<strong>  
><strong>Sirius<strong>

...

Dear Remus and Sirius  
>First, let me thank you for... yeah, something.. oh, yeah, this open space for the readers! Sorry, lack of sex and all that comes with it (it is up to you to decide if I'm being Serious or... Sirius).<br>Now, on to other things, that I forgot again. Giant Squid should bugger Severus for that. *sigh*  
>Looks like this letter will be cut short, but I still have time for some advice.<br>Sirius: Regarding your drapery problem, get some red and black armour with wheels on the feet and a cape, another wand and call yourself Trombe! (yes, that exclamation mark is part of the name). You'll have a theme song that overrides anything and you cannot be killed because you reached the Critical Mass for Awesomeness.  
>There are conditions, though. You have to get some sunglasses, an aviator jacket (ask a muggleborn or a half-blood) about it, and change your name. If they say that you are Sirius, you have to deny and say your new name.<br>Remus: Search for a bald priest. It cannot be any bald priest though. He has a brown beard and this head kind of shines. Ask him for a promotion. It does not solve your furry problem, but you'll find out that you'll look... well, badass.  
>Kind Regards<br>Very Strange "I _need_ to tone down my geekiness" Guy  
>Post-Scriptum:<br>Remus: The guy has to say "Little Lost lamb! Speak your desire, and the powers of Light will surely grant it!", else he could be a fake priest, or a disciple of Slaneesh.  
>VSG<p>

**Dear Very Strange "I _need_ to tone down my geekiness" Guy,**  
><strong>What the hell o.O?<strong>  
><strong>Always sexy,<strong>  
><strong>Sirius<strong>

...

Dear Remus and Sirius,  
>Shag. Now.<br>Sincerely,  
>Fangirls everywhere.<p>

_Dear Fangirls everywhere,_  
><em>Of course I had to calm down in time for this question.<em>  
><em>Sirius and I will not shag, ever. Period.<em>  
><strong>Haha, you sounded like England.<strong>  
><em>What? <em>  
><strong>Nothing.<strong>  
><em>Sirius, of couse I sounded English. I'm from England; so are you.<em>  
><strong>Nevermind, you don't get it.<strong>  
><em>Apparently.<em>  
><em>Sincerely,<em>  
><em>Remus<em>

...

Dear Remus and Sirius,  
>I'm wearing new socks! There blue, I like them! Do you have new socks? I think not! Have you ever shared chocolate with anyone? I was abducted by aliens once... They started doing the time warp. ;)<br>Yours,  
>Zora<p>

_Dear Zora,_  
><em>Hooray for you for getting new socks.<em>  
><em>I am always made to share my stuff. Including my delicious chocolate.<em>  
><strong>SHE GOT ABDUCTED BY ALIENS! SEE? I told you they were real!<strong>  
><em>Whatever.<em>  
><em>Sincerely,<em>  
><em>Remus<em>

...

May I talk to James please? James, as far as Lily goes, you should sit back and wait for Snape to make a stupid mistake. Its only a matter of time, then she will turn to you. And then you can hex him for being a jackass. Just so you know, Peter will betray you to Voldemort. He's evil. Oh and Sirius cracks me up.

_**Dear person who didn't leave a name,**_  
><em><strong>Snape is stupid. That's the way he was born. Mentally retarded.<strong>_  
><em>If you're going to write in my lettters, use proper grammar, please.<em>  
><em><strong>I hex him anyway, jackass or not. <strong>_  
><em><strong>Pete would never betray me. He's one of my best friends.<strong>_  
><strong>Good to know that I'm bloody hilarious!<strong>  
><em>My stuff is never mine, is it?<em>  
><em><strong>Lily will love me!<strong>_  
><em><strong>BDQPE,<strong>_  
><em><strong>James<strong>_  
><em>P.S. James, you can leave now.<em>

...

Dear Remus and his best friend Sirius,  
>I just exchanged here from the Salem Witch Academy and I have a problem I'm sure you two are very familiar with... I'm a Bloddy Werewolf! (DAMN YOU GREYBACK!) Professor Dumbledore told me to talk to you (Remus) about how you deal. I'm in your year ad a Gryffindor. Please help me.<br>I'm all alone.  
>Sincerily,<br>Miss R.E. Mulvey

_Dear Miss R.E. Mulvey,_  
><em>You are a Sue.<em>  
><em>There's no way you can be in our year. There's only ten students per year, and we already have ten fifth year students. Don't believe me? Here's a list:<em>

_Me (Remus)_

_Sirius_

_James_

_Peter_

_Frank_

_Lily_

_Mary_

_Marlene_

_Dorcas_

_Alice_

_See? Besides that, Hogwarts doesn't do an exchange student program._  
><em>By the way, it's spelt "bloody".<em>  
><em>Sincerely,<em>  
><em>Remus<em>

...

Dear Remus,  
>Do you ever feel like you are a secret agent trapped in a blue-green platypus's body with a tiny brown fedora hat?<br>And Dear Sirius,  
>If I said I want your body now, would you hold it against me?<p>

_Dear Blank (you didn't leave a name),_  
><em>Are you asking me if I ever feel like Perry the Platypus from the muggle show Phineas and Ferb? Sometimes, I suppose. I have to listen to James' and Sirius' insane plans just like he has to listen to Dr. Doofenschmirtz' (I'm not sure if I spelt his name correctly).<em>  
><strong>There's only one person who can have my body, and it's not you. But I won't hold it against you. I know I'm incredibley sexy!<strong>  
><em>Big head.<em>  
><em>Sincerely,<em>  
><em>Remus<em>

...

Dear Sirius and Remus, ok first things first: Sirius is sexy. but Remus is supermegafoxyawesomehot. okay going off topic... does dumbledore have a boss Zefron poster in his office?  
>from the amazing, Awesome Ninja Wizard Girl<p>

_Dear Awesome Ninja Wizard Girl,_  
><em>As far as I know, Dumbledore does not have a Zac Efron poster in his office.<em>  
><em>Sincerely,<em>  
><em>Remus<em>  
><strong>P.S. Though he may have posters of me 'cause I'm sexy!<strong>

...

Dear Remus,  
>I'm considered a slut. For no reason. And because of this no one talks to me worried i'll rape them in an empty classroom...what should I do?<p>

**Dear slut-with-no-name,**  
><strong>You sound like Seychelles.<strong>  
><em>How can a countryisland be a slut?_  
><em>Try to convince people otherwise. Dressing modestly might help if you dress like a prostitute at the moment.<em>  
><em>Sincerely,<em>  
><em>Remus<em>

...

hey Remus (and Sirius),  
>You guy's seem to be tiptoeing round each other, just talk to one another then you'll work out whom has a crush on whom already!<br>Anyway, is it normal to fall in love with a character from a book? Or have a crush on them? Because I don't know! (BTW talking about a certain Remus Lupin here!)  
>Love you!<br>LWWF

_Dear LWWF,_  
><em>We talk to each other all the time.<em>  
><em>I'm not a book character, obviously, since I'm responding to this letter. But yes, it's perfectly normal to have crushes on people.<em>  
><em>Sincerely,<em>  
><em>Remus<em>

...

Dear Sirius.  
>Sorry Remus I know this is your column thingy but Sirius replyed to me last time and I'm going to put certain bits of info in that he might not want you to see- so Shoo and go get some chocolate.<br>IF PETER OR JAMES OR ANYONE ELSE THAT ISN'T SIRIUS GETS HOLD OF THIS LETTER DO NOT READ OR I WILL TRACK YOU DOWN, TIE YOU UP WITH 'Incarcerous' AND PUT A NEVER ENDING TICKLING-CHARM ON YOU AND SNAP YOUR WANDS! AND I DON'T MEAN THE MAGIC KIND, SO IF YOU WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN, GET. LOST!  
>Now that's out of the way...<br>Sorry Sirius I didn't mean to upset you. It's just all that flirting you guys did implied alot... Now all I'm going to say, that you wrote a a reply letter, that Remus had no clue about, explaining how much you love him. How do you know that Remus didn't do the same thing... i belive a few chapters back, you were busy and Remus wrote a reply without you to someone *cough icebluecrystal cough* You might want to find that letter...  
>From<br>IT'S ME

**Dear IT'S ME,**  
><strong>I got rid of Remus! Wahoo!<strong>  
><strong>It's okay. I forgive you, as you didn't mean to.<strong>  
><strong>I now know Remus loves me. End of story.<strong>  
><strong>Always sexy,<strong>  
><strong>Sirius<strong>

...

Dear Remus and Sirius.  
>It's me again! To answer your question Remus, everybody being your letter-senders (I dunno if that makes sense) but Anyway just because he's rude Sirius, doesn't mean he hates you he could be just hiding certain feelings (*cough love cough*)<br>But so my real question is what's up with your obsession with aliens, Sirus? Have you ever actually met one?  
>, MBR(:<p>

**Dear MBR,**  
><strong>Remus has been distracted with eating chocolate, so I can answer your letter with my sexy answers. <strong>  
><strong>I wish I could meet a blue alien with red eyes named TonnyTony who curses out British people. Yeah.**  
><strong>Always sexy,<strong>  
><strong>Sirius<strong>

...

Dear James:  
>You're a douche, but you're lovable. Be kinder.<br>Sincerely, Gem.

_**Dear Gem,**_  
><em><strong>I'm not a douche. <strong>_  
><em>Yes, you are.<em>  
><em><strong>No I'm not!<strong>_  
><em>There should be a comma between "no" and "I'm".<em>  
><em><strong>See if I care.<strong>_  
><em><strong>Of course I'm lovable!<strong>_  
><em><strong>BDQPE,<strong>_  
><em><strong>James<strong>_

...

Dear Remus,  
>how did you James and Sirius become such good friends? I am going to a new school and I want to make best friends. Did you wait a while before making any friends?<br>Lots of love, f  
>p.s. Is it hard making friends with your condition?<p>

**Dear F,**  
><strong>Your name stands for fuck!<strong>  
><em>Honestly, I don't know how I became friends with Sirius and James, nor do I know why I'm friends with them.<em>  
><em>I met Sirius and James on the train, and they pretty much forced me to become friends with them. Goody for me.<em>  
><em>It's not so much making friends that's hard, it's getting them to accept me.<em>  
><em>Sincerely,<em>  
><em>Remus<em>

...

Dear Remus and sirius,  
>let's say, hypothetically, you were gay. Hypothetically. And your friends were very religious and they disliked gays. What would you do? Would you come out, or what?<br>Bobbi.  
>Ps you and Sirius have some definite chemistry. I can tell you both are in love! Don't deny it!<p>

_Dear Bobbi,_  
><em>I would hypothetically stay in the hypothetical closet.<em>  
><em>Sincerely,<em>  
><em>Remus<em>

...

Dear Remus and Sirius,  
>hi. My name is Anya. I'm fifteen and I just discovered I'm royalty. My mother was a werewolf and empress to a small island invisible to muggles in the middle of the English channel. All my family is dead. I'm the only survior from the reveloution. I'm in a very same situation as the romonovs. I don't know what to do. I want to finish school at the Canadian school Potter school of witchcraft, but the paintings of my dead family keep telling me to become empress! I'm so confused!<br>Sincerly,  
>grand duchess Anastasia "Anya" Queen<p>

_Dear grand duchess Anastasia "Anya" Queen,_  
><em>Good Merlin, not another Mary Sue! How many of them can pop up today?<em>  
><strong>She has a longass name.<strong>  
><em>Let me correct your spelling errors.<em>  
><em>It's "dutchess", not "duchess".<em>  
><strong>What is the first one suppose to sound like, anyways? Douchess?<strong>  
><em>It's "revolution", not "reveloution".<em>  
><em>If you're confused, I suggest your kill yourself. Since you're a Sue, you'll come back to life.<em>  
><em>Sincerely,<em>  
><em>Remus<em>

...

Dear Remus,  
>I hear you have 'a certain time of the month.' Does this mean you're a girl?<br>Lots of love, sock puppet mania  
>ps Sirius don't tease poor Remus about this. He can get very hormonal over his Pre Moon Stress. :)<p>

_Dear sock puppet mania,_  
><em>I'm not a bloody woman. It's not funny.<em>  
><em>Sincerly,<em>  
><em>Remus<em>

...

Dear Remus and Sirius (and James),  
>Yeah, Trelawney's a fraud...she's really creepy...and if she asks to tell your fortune, say no. She'll probably tell you that you're in grave danger.<br>James' fortune: James will marry Lily and have a son named Harry, but soon after the Dark Lord will kill the couple.  
>I'm sure you want to hear what happens to Snape. :}<br>Love you lots,  
>PurplePrincess77<p>

**Dear PurplePrincess77,**  
><strong>I don't know how Trelawny came into this converstation, but she's always foretelling doom. She's creepy.<strong>  
><em>You just reiterated what they said, Sirius.<em>  
><strong>Bleh.<strong>  
><em>I'm sure you're a fraud like Trelawny. It takes one to know one, after all.<em>  
><strong>I wanna hear what happens to that bastard! Tell me!<strong>  
><em>Really, Sirius? You insult Snape every chance you get. It's rather annoying.<em>  
><em>Sincerely,<em>  
><em>Remus<em>

...

Hey you two lovebirds ;)  
>WHEN are you'll ever going to admit your love for one another? Cuz we know its looove! :P So tell me Remus what was your most embarassing moment in Hogwarts? Was Sirius around then?<br>And how did you and Sirius meet back in first year? :)  
>Much love,<br>RSFAN!

**Dear RSFAN!,**  
><strong>Last night.<strong>  
><em>SIRIUS! <em>  
><em>RSFAN, you have to swear on your genitals that you will not tell anyone what Sirius just said! Especially James and Peter! Please!<em>  
><strong>Fuck. It won't erase.<strong>  
><em>Don't say that!<em>  
><strong>Hypocrite.<strong>  
><em>Sirius and I met on the train.<em>  
><em>The most embarassing thing happend when I fell asleep in class (it was the day after the full moon), and I ended up having an... interesting dream. Talking in your sleep is never good.<em>  
><strong>I was there! It was pretty funny.<strong>  
><em>Shut up.<em>  
><em>Sincerely,<em>  
><em>Remus<em>

...

Dear... Umm, Marauders,  
>What is your favorite song?<br>-awesomeness33  
>P.S. Hi Sirius! You're my favorite!<p>

_Dear awesomeness33,_  
><em>My favorite song is the Muggle song "Firework" by the American artist Katy Perry.<em>  
><strong>I like this ending theme that I don't know the words to. All I know is that it's from something some fourth year muggle-born showed me.<strong>  
><em>Sincerely,<em>  
><em>Remus<em>

...

Dear Moony and Padfoot  
>Let me ask you guys a question<br>What in the effing world is wrong with the world?  
>Alfred: Don't worry I'm the hero I can protect anyone from the world!<br>Me: Oh Alfred shut up you can't even save yourself from ghost are you sure you're not afraid of ghost.  
>Mathew: Hi might as well just stop by a while or ya by the way Alfred hit me in the crotch with a baseball while we are playing catch.<br>Me: What Alfred how could you do this to your brother? * takes out katana and cut Alfred until he bleeds badly*  
>Arthur: BLOODY HELL Klaine Love what did you do why is the place so bloody?<br>Me: Well Arthur because I trying to cut Alfred with my katana because he hit Mathew's crotch with his baseball so I just trying to protect my friends.  
>Arthur: Oh<br>Me: Sorry about that. Here is one year supply od chocolate.

**Dear Klaine Love,**  
><strong>o.O WTF?<strong>  
><em>What?<em>  
><strong>This sounds almost exactly like something that muggle-born showed me. Even the game of catch.<strong>  
><strong>The girl told me something about Arthur and Alfred being together or something? Anyway, in her words, "eeeeeeeeeee".<strong>  
><em>How creative.<em>  
><em>What's messed up with the world? A lot of things are screwed up, but I can't name all of them off.<em>  
><em>Sincerely,<em>  
><em>Remus<em>  
><strong>P.S. Arthur and Alfred, are you really together? Thanks! -Sirius<strong>

...

Dear Remus,  
>Do you officially classify yourself as a Grammar Nazi? Have either of you ever played any video games? Would you, given the opportunity?<br>DFTBA,  
>Ecclestein<p>

_Dear Ecclestein,_  
><em>No. I just have an appreciation for the English language.<em>  
><strong>I played the PS2 at Wormy's house once! We played this game called "Star Trek: Elite Force"! It was fully awesome!<strong>  
><em>I own a Wii. It's just not here at Hogwarts.<em>  
><em>Sincerely, <em>  
><em>Remus<em>

...

Klaine Love, I seriously love you! Thank you so much for that letter! Hetalia fangirls unite, aru!  
><span>Yes, the fourth year muggle-born is me! Shameless self insert, da?<span>


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